Fourty-one trips around the sun. Fourty-one birthdays. Fourty-one opportunities to reflect. What is it about birthdays that encourages nostalgia and self-reflection? Are they not just another day in the year?Growing up I always had an issue with Yom Kippur. I didn’t understand why we set aside a day to atone for our sins. Should we not be repentive every day? I tried to live my life in the same vein. Being reflective and forgiving each opportunity I have, instead of at predetermined intervals.
So on this birthday, I reflect on what I have learned and what I now know. As I get older, I try harder not to let the opinions of others weigh me down. I try not to let what others think of me determine my self-worth. But dear God, is it hard! As a perpetual people-pleaser this sometimes feels next to impossible. I know that I measure my own worth based on how useful I am to others.
The idea of just “being” and not providing continual acts of service feels like such a daunting task. But I also know that I cannot possibly continue this way. The adage of not being able to pour from an empty cup rings true here. And there is a reason why cliches are just that – because they are often spot on.
We cannot stay in places that do not bring us joy. This is not to say that every day will be rainbows and sunshine, but overall we cannot remain stagnant or stuck somewhere out of a sense of obligation. I read once that kids don’t need two parents together. They need a happy mother. I want my kids to see me experience joy and love and reap the benefits of that. I want them to see what healthy relationships are. What it means to be respected and appreciated. Because when they get older, they will seek out relationships that mimic what they are modelled. I don’t ever want them to question their worth.
Happiness is not linear, but it can be fleeting. Recently, I listened to Mel Robbins speak about joy being the hardest emotion to feel.
She explained that when we have been through difficult times, we have the hardest time experiencing joy because we are wired to question it and wait for the proverbial other shoe to drop. So we spend all the time we SHOULD be experiencing the joy worrying about when it will end. Happiness needs to be experienced in the moment.
That said, there is nothing more important or more elusive in this world than time. I have always felt this in my core, with one of my dominant love language needs being quality time. But as I get older, I appreciate the sacrifice this takes on behalf of others. With our lives consumed by work, kids, errands, and other obligations, I have a keen awareness that there is always somewhere else someone can be. So taking the time to be together should never be taken for granted, and always cherished. There is nothing truer than the notion that it is never work or a burden for someone who really cares or wants to put in the effort.
This year has simultaneously been one of the most difficult, and the most fruitful. I have celebrated gains both personally and professionally, and experienced major setbacks. Has it been a win overall? Has the good outweighed the bad? It is easy to have negatives supersede everything else. So in the end I am not entirely sure. I do know that the positives have been some of the best I have experienced. And I am so grateful for those experiences and the people who have made them possible. One person in particular- and you know who you are. Although if you don’t, then I clearly am not doing my job. And I know in my core the things coming on the horizon are the best yet. Cheers to the next 365 days ❤️
“And you say I abandoned the ship But I was going down with it My white knuckle dying grip Holding tight to your quiet resentment…
So how much sad did you think I had, Did you think I had in me? How much tragedy? Just how low did you think I’d go? Before I’d self-implode”
Taylor Swift, The Tortured Poets Department
It wouldn’t be completely off base to say that I feel as though I’ve lost pieces of myself over the past few years. Perhaps the fact that I have not written in well over two years is a reflection of that. I read a quote once that said that those who aim to please leave pieces of themselves with every person who uses them. Those people work to make others full again by filling the empty spaces of others with pieces of themselves. This analogy often rings true for me. It often feels as though I have worked so hard to ensure others around me are safe, healthy, and taking care of, to my own detriment.
If you had asked me when I was younger what I wanted my life to look like, I would have answered without a second thought – job, husband, kids, perfect family. As women of the 80’s, we are raised on these Disney-esque ideals that include the prince on the horse sweeping in at the last moment to save the day and whisking the princess off to happily ever after. There is no extra chapter that explains why happily ever after isn’t always a reality. There is no epilogue that includes the potential for darkness. For me, as that little girl, there was never a question that those were the things that were going to make me happy. Those were the things that I wanted and needed.
And then… one day… I grew up. And I came to the sad, stark realization that all of those ideals were not always reality. I came to the harsh understanding that happily ever after does not always look how I expected it to. The things I thought I wanted and needed – the things that were supposed to bring me happiness – were tainted. They weren’t the answer I thought I needed. This enlightenment about life came with it its own set of intrusive thoughts. And I often found myself full of self-deprecating ideas, blaming myself for where I ended up. I would like to consider myself a well-educated woman with solid ideals and sound decision making skills. But these personality traits and these decisions did not align. How could I not have known better? How could I have missed the signs? How could I knowingly put myself in those positions?
So began the downward spiral. The loss of myself was more of a tragedy than any tangible, physical loss. My ability to find myself in the midst of chaos seemed like an impossible task. All of the measures for which I defined myself were not what they should have been. I no longer had a clear understanding of who I was and who I was supposed to be. And as the darkness grew, so did my inability to trust myself and my own decisions. My instinct to second-guess myself, however, grew tenfold.
As I reflect on the past few years, and perhaps those even further back, I think about what I would have told myself… what do I wish I knew then that I know now? Granted, all of this is taken with a grain of salt, as I am as stubborn now as I was back then. And even still, my ability to take my own advice is an area which requires continued growth. Are there really truly things we can say to ourselves which are effective in getting through pain, trauma and adversity? At times I wonder if self-talk really is effective… Although it seems that we are all significantly better at talking negatively to ourselves than positively. For many reasons, one negative thought undoes 20 positives.
And yet, for whatever it’s worth, I sit here, urging myself to be kinder to my previous self. I wish that I could give her the grace and patience I try so hard to afford others. When I was at one of my lowest points, my therapist told me to keep a picture of myself as a child close to me. She told me when I was having negative thoughts about myself, I should look at the picture say those things to that girl. The idea being that we would never say those things to children so why are we allowing ourselves to say that to another person, least of all ourselves? In hindsight what she should have said was carry around, a picture someone I loved. For me this never seem to work because I always hard on myself than anyone else in my life. And before you read this and think that I am trying to paint myself as a martyr, just know that it is way more difficult to be kind to yourself than others.
So yes, this is a letter to my past self to be kind. To be patient. To know that you can change your mind. To know that it is never too late to change your mind about what makes you happy. There is no formality in any decision regardless of how much it feels like there is. To know that life is not easy and will be full of difficult tasks. Not just hard tasks, but things that will feel like they will breaking your soul. There will be moments in life where everything seems incomprehensible and you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I never understood the cliché statement that “everything will be okay in the end and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end”. For someone in the thick of something, that statement is not even remotely helpful. That is like telling an angry person to calm down and thinking that statement alone will help them do that. But what I wish I told my past self was during those moments of pain, try not to lose all the pieces of yourself. Try to hold onto the string of whatever is good down in your core. And sometimes, the biggest tragedy is once that string has been severed, it is next to impossible to bring those pieces back.
And here I sit writing this, slowly rebuilding what I thought was lost with the help of the most important people in my life around me. A true testament that you do come out the other side. Not how you were perhaps how you’re supposed to be. I suppose there is a reason they say diamonds only grow under heat and pressure.
Fear is a funny thing. It’s a mix of psychological and environmental factors, all rolled into one. Some people thrive off of fear. Not true fear, mind you, but the idea of being scared gets some people’s adrenaline going. It’s the reason horror movies have such a significant Fanbase. Although I don’t quite understand it myself, there is a feeling that being scared and being made to jump is exciting.
I think that one of the draws of these experiences is there is still safety there. In some capacity, you know you are watching a movie or enjoying an experience that won’t truly bring you harm. You can simultaneously experience fear and safety. But what happens when the Safetynet is removed? What happens when we experience fear in the absence of being safe or comfortable?
Of course, like many ideas here I am referring more so to the psychological aspect. Being physically in danger is never OK. There is no situation in which experiencing physical fear is rational. When I think about this, I think more of the psychological aspect.
The idea of “doing something every day that scares you”, or “facing your fears” is one we often preach to others. As if the fear isn’t actually that bad so long as we just suck it up. Is that really fair, though? Does that give enough credence to our emotional well-being? Fear can be debilitating for many, and simply psyching yourself up to face it may not be enough.
So why do we do that? Why do we expect that people should just push their fears to the back of their minds and not appreciate the reality those fears hold? There is a reason humans have a fear response in the first place. Our bodies and minds are wired to fear certain things in an effort to keep us safe – to elicit the fight or flight response. Without fear, we would be more likely to do things that put us in imminent danger. And yet, when it is a psychological fear and not a physical one, we are less likely to count it as helpful. Having a “healthy fear” of strangers and hot stoves makes sense to us But having a fear of rejection or being unloveable is not held in the same regard. Does that fear not serve the same purpose? To protect our mental health and ensure we are safe emotionally?
As a teacher, I am often asked to help troubleshoot student behaviour. I go into other classes and work with teachers to help students succeed. When we are deconstructing a behaviour, there is one question which needs to be answered: What is the purpose of the behaviour? What need is being met (or trying to be met) with this behaviour?
The same can be true for fear. If we get to the root of what we are actually scared of, oftentimes it might be easier to work through it. Is it a magic key that makes it easy to face? Absolutely not. In fact, often time understanding what we are truly fearful of is more upsetting and harder to work through. Because we are peeling away our own layers and doing the inner work to see what motivates us and what we run from. And most times these are direct results of past trauma and/or experiences which are not ideal to revisit.
I told a friend recently that they cannot allow the fear of an outcome to rule their decisions because it will lead to complete avoidance – which inevitably leads to the outcome you are fearful of. The one thing we cannot do is allow fear to take over our lives – to dictate what we can and cannot do. Closing our eyes and pretending it isn’t even there, that it isn’t real, is not realistic either. There has to be a happy medium where we can acknowledge the fears we have and use them to motivate us. Understanding that fear has both a birthplace and a purpose in our heads is the first step. Being willing to discuss them with those closest to us is the next. Allowing the space for those fears, but not allowing them to own us. Sounds super easy, right? Except it’s not. It takes time… lots and lots of time. It takes appreciating the purpose, not ignoring it, and yet giving ourselves the grace to work through it. Which is something I am still working through it.
Giving myself grace is a different beast altogether. I will consider this a work in progress.
We all do it… sometimes weekly…. usually daily… the mindless social media scroll. Our time to unplug without expectations or responsibilities. A safe, easy way to disconnect from our responsibilities and check in with those we know, and often times those we don’t. Except it is never that easy or safe. In fact, if we are not careful, it may be the most detrimental thing we do all day.
“Social media was a place for witty, satirical comments; stylistic food pics; photos of beautiful homes and children; and birth announcements. It was a place to scroll through to get an idea of where you fared in the world, and figure out whether you were winning or losing at life.”
The Family Next Door, Sally Hepworth
Social media is a funny thing. We approach it as though it is an open door into people’s entire lives instead of a small window. We view, judge, and envy them based on what they post in little squares. I am guilty of this, as well. Getting caught up in what people post about themselves is so easy. Their accomplishments, their vacations, their bright and shiny lives. We see all the things they want to share and all the ways they want to show their lives to others.
In the past, I have done the same on my own accounts. We want to showcase all the good things and memorialize them in the social media squares we post. We want others to see the good things about our lives. Those are the things we are comfortable sharing. There is no danger in that. And the truth is, as consumers of social media, I doubt the escape would be as fulfilling if our feeds were filled with negative or difficult topics. The state of the world right now is one of the reasons we turn to social media to “tune out” the noise – to go and see fun, light, uplifting content.
Very few people want to air their grievances, dirty laundry, or hard days for the entire internet to see – and with good reason. There is no reason to invite people into every aspect of our lives and let them know all our struggles. There is no reason to post about the fight we had with our spouse about taking the garbage out or the way it takes double the allotted amount of time to leave the house in the morning. These are private moments that aren’t meant to see the light of day. They are events that are meant to be sorted out in private without a show to the world. However, when we intentionally leave those out of the equation, we present a filtered view of our lives. We present only half of the story.
This is not to say that I think that everyone should post everything about their lives. Some things SHOULD remain private, and not open to the world. We do not have a responsibility to anyone other than ourselves. The purpose is not to share the ins and outs of everything that you do every day. We are not animals in social media cages for everyone else to ogle and point at. I have always wondered this about influencers, who often post so many aspects of their daily lives.
There is a point at which posting about everything leaves little room to actually live your life. We have to be okay to live outside of the camera instead of through it. In an effort to video and photograph our moments and lives, we forget to truly live through them. This is not healthy either, nor does it set a good example for our children.
However, I think that there needs to be a medium, both for creators and consumers of social media. Over the past couple of years, I have tried to be more candid about the struggles I am facing. I have used this blog as a vehicle to share many of those deeper, more honest thoughts. I have also tried to share more on my social media to present more. of a whole picture. There are still things I keep very private and have no interest in sharing with others. If you are in my inner circle, you are privy to that information, but it is not out for the world to see. And that is how I believe it should be. There is also still an element of fear about being judged by others that I m working through. This will never change, but I am beginning with being more open and honest with myself, and I am hopeful that the rest will come. It won’t ever change completely, but perhaps there will be a shift in that direction.
As a consumer, it is more difficult in many ways. Understanding that people only post certain elements of their lives is easy to digest when you are in the mindset to do so. When you are in a positive headspace you can see social media for what it is – a snapshot into others’ lives covered in pretty filters and hashtags. It is a collection of what others want us to see. However, when you are feeling down, doubtful, or anxious, it is more difficult to see it for what it is.
We view it with green eyes and self-doubt. Why are they happy? How do they have everything together? Why are their children so perfect? How can I have what they have? We quickly forget that there is so much going on behind the scenes that aren’t shared because we are already feeling down on ourselves.
I have had numerous conversations about this with my therapist, and how not to fall into that trap. She gave me the best advice on the matter – use the mute button. If they are not serving you, shelf them for a bit. It doesn’t mean that you have to delete those accounts indefinitely, but giving yourself a break from those who are not welcome in your season of life is liberating. I have been trying to change my algorithm by following and interacting with accounts that fill my bucket and my soul. Accounts that are more real, geared towards self-care and daily quotes that fuel my soul. I have also significantly decreased my time on social media in total. I know my sister goes as far as to put a 30-minute timer filter on her phone so it only lets her go on social media for a small period of time per day. She never comes close to that time, but even knowing it’s there is enough for her.
I think, above all, I must close with this: like many topics in this blog, I write about things I am nowhere near perfect at. I share my thoughts because they are relevant to me, and I believe that opening the discussion is the best place to start. I do not share to be preachy or because I have everything together. This is so far from the case. I am struggling with this every day. So let’s try to normalize that what we see and show in our squares is only a piece of the puzzle. It is the view we want to give others. And there is nothing wrong with that AS LONG AS we take it for what it is – a filtered view of reality.
**TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains material of a graphic and controversial nature**
I am angry, upset, and speechless. This past week, a historical error was made in the United States supreme court. It took me time before I could even prepare to write this. I had to let the information sit with me, and mull it over for a while. This is the first time in a long time that I needed to formulate my thoughts before I could even begin to put them down on “paper”.
Let me start by discussing Roe vs. Wade, and why it is important. In 1973 the United States supreme court voted against the banning of abortions in Texas, which in turn made abortions legal across the country. It maintained that it was a woman’s constitutional right to her body and decisions surrounding it. Up until that point, women could seek abortions for medical reasons, or travel out of the country if they had the financial means to do so. Those who were impoverished or did not have access to proper medical care sought out illegal clinics or, unfortunately, took matters into their own hands. The decision in 1973 allowed women to access abortions safely when necessary. It is also critical to add that constitutional law overrides state law, so states that wanted to ban or limit abortions no longer had the power to do so.
After the ruling, women were able to make choices about their bodies based on their circumstances. This segued into birth control, health care, body and sexual autonomy. It would appear it was only about one issue, but in fact, so much more came of it. Crime rates, incidents of illegal abortions, and risk of death were all lowered. Employment and healthcare opportunities increased. By normalizing a woman’s right to choose, confidence increased. And yet, this week we were shuttled back 50 years when the court overturned the decision. Before we go any further, an important distinction needs to be made. Being pro-choice is not the same as being pro- or anti-abortion. Pro-choice means you are open to the right to choose. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with her choice. Pro-choice means that you believe that legislation and government should not dictate a woman’s body. And yet, here we are… stripping women of their right to choose what they want to do with their own bodies.
Being pregnant and choosing not to be is not limited to women in committed relationships (although even then it is within a woman’s right to choose). Being pregnant as a result of rape, ectopic pregnancies, or pregnancies with fetal abnormalities are all reasons why women may choose to end the pregnancy. This doesn’t even mention medical or economic conditions which may come into play. I am not sure what upsets me more – the fact that this decision has been overturned or the number of times I have read comments on social media that if you don’t want to be pregnant, you should “just close your legs”. The shame that is placed on women for even being in the position to need to make a choice is its own version of cruel and unusual punishment.
I WISH I was making this up because my faith in humanity drops down a point each time I read a comment like that. It is such a close-minded, myopic, uneducated point of view, which is almost always held by those who have never been put in the position to make that choice.
All that is to say that there is a sense that when a woman chooses abortion it is a flippant decision, which is not necessarily the case. I want to qualify this by saying that I have never personally been in this position but I know others who have. Many women wrestle with the decision and do not come to it lightly. It is one that is made over the course of many days of debates and even more days of questioning after the fact. Women who choose to participate in abortions live with that decision every day – it is one they don’t forget.
The overturning of this decision is about the right to choose, yes. But it is also about power, autonomy, voicelessness, the lack of rights for women, and the even smaller rights for those who are marginalized and impoverished. Yet again, those who have access to money and means will go to another state or another country to safely access abortions. Those who cannot, will be back to illegal clinics and underground means.
For a country that is already grappling with the right to bear arms, and the rampant gun violence that is plaguing communities, it is a sad fact that women seem to have fewer rights than guns. Guns are protected – if you want them you can have them. Women, not as much.
As a mother to a girl, I am sad. Even as I sit here and write this, I think about my own daughter. I am aware that I am writing this in Canada, and I technically don’t have to fear repercussions should she or I ever be forced to make a decision like this. I am grateful that the Canadian government has come out and stated that women’s rights are sacred and will never be up for debate. I am grateful that our country is one that has pledged not to politicize a woman’s reproductive system. But I would be remiss if I didn’t say I am still scared. I read a quote last week that said that “when the United States sneezes, Canada catches a cold”. While I don’t think the same law will come into effect here, our neighbours to the south do influence us. What does it say about the United States that 9 people have been able to make a decision affecting millions? Their morals, beliefs and laws are all, at some point, intertwined with ours. What does it say about us as humanity if the country that is considered one of the most progressive in the worst has sent women back to the dark ages? American children will have fewer rights than their mothers did. This will very sadly have global implications with other countries feeling more empowered to limit women’s reproductive rights.
Interestingly enough, my daughter approached me as I was writing this and asked what I was writing about. I told her I didn’t want her to read it, and that I needed time to explain it to her. And I sit here wondering how I can even begin to verbalize this to her. Not because it is about sex and pregnancy but because it is the opposite of everything I have taught her about her body. I have always been very clear that it is her body, and she has every right to make decisions around it… and yet some people think that shouldn’t be the case. How do I explain to her that if she ever got pregnant and chose not to keep it that she could exercise her right to choose, but so many women have just had that right taken away? And on top of it all how do I begin t explain that there is nothing we can do to change it? Yes, we can donate to organizations, sign petitions and make our voices heard, but at the end of the day, the decision is not ours to make. This is a heavy pill to swallow.
So I sit here, mad and angry. And the truth is, you should be angry, too. It doesn’t matter if you are a woman, a man, a Canadian, an American, someone who is out of child-bearing age, someone who doesn’t want children…. everyone should care. You should care about your mothers, sisters, and friends who are heartbroken by this silencing of their voices. You should care about the fact that women are feeling alone and abandoned. I am heartbroken that this is even a topic of discussion. I am devastated that there are so many women in a FIRST WORLD country that no longer have the autonomy to choose what to do with their bodies. I am enraged that the shame associated with rape and incest is magnified by the legality of the potential additional decision of terminating a resulting pregnancy. I feel helpless about the current state of humanity. Currently in search of an unknown silver lining…
There has never been a shortage of viral videos all over the internet, especially about food. They range from odd, to super weird, to everything in between. I’m not typically interested in these videos, but the internet seems to get it right every now and then. This salmon bowl is just amazing since it is the perfect mixture of salty, creamy, and umami. It originated from Emily Mariko, a food and fashion enthusiast on social media. She used it as a way to repurpose leftover salmon (and in doing so, does some pretty freaky things by microwaving it with an ice cube). I choose to use fresh salmon and bake it just for this recipe. I have also substituted rainbow trout, and my family was none the wiser 🙂
Here are some of the key points of this recipe. The recipe gets its creaminess from the mix of avocado and mayo. You can always add less mayo or use a lower-fat version to cut some of the fat out. You can adjust the heat level by adding less or more hot sauce. Costco carries a great line of dried seaweed. It has been approved by both my kids and my Korean in-laws. If you aren’t familiar with kimchi, it is a fermented cabbage that includes Korean spices and lots of garlic. Rooster is a great brand and is readily available in most Asian grocery stores (I’ve even seen it at my local No Frills!). Pro tip: Once the jar has been opened, put it in a grocery bag (or two) before storing it in your fridge. Otherwise, it will cause your other food to smell.
Ingredients
Salmon or trout (1 piece per person)
Cooked white rice
Low sodium soy sauce
Mayonnaise (the original recipe calls for Japanese mayo but I find regular works perfectly)
Sriracha Hot Sauce
Avocado
Seaweed Squares
Kimchi
Preparation
Prepare the fish. I typically lightly season the fish with salt, pepper, garlic powder and onion powder. But you can season it however you like. Bake it in the oven at 400 degrees for about 12-15 minutes or until it is opaque in colour and flakes with a fork.
Prepare the rice as per box direction, or using a rice cooker
Once everything is prepared, layer rice in your bowl with your salmon. Add approx 1 tbsp of soy sauce and 1/2 tbsp each of mayo and sriracha. Feel free to adjust to your taste.
Use your fork to mash everything together
Use the seaweed to pick up bitd of the salmon/rice mixture. Eat with avocado and kimchi.
Don’t forget to let me know if you enjoyed this recipe!
So it’s been a minute since I’ve written. When I started this blog I had grand ideas about publishing once a week. It’s not that I don’t have enough to say, it’s that putting it down on paper has proven to be a trying task. There are times my mind feels like a washing machine, and all my thoughts are articles of clothing. They all mix together, unsorted, trying to get clean and organized. But instead, they just roll around in my head. Life has definitely gotten in the way and I have had to pause to take some time for myself. Taking care of my mental health is definitely harder to put into practice than just talking about it. It’s something I am a huge proponent of, and have written about before. However, as is always in life, talking about something and putting it into practice are two very different beasts. But… to be the best mother and woman I can be, I have to be a little bit selfish.
Over the past little while. I have found myself having many conversations with people about therapy. It has made its way in countless times, not intentionally, but simply in the course of conversation. I have never been shy about speaking to a therapist, and I gladly share my experiences with others. I am a huge champion of therapy and the importance of both talk therapy and behaviour management skills (in the form of CBT and the like). I think this comes from my background in psychology, but also in seeing the results firsthand.
I remember one time in the car, J had asked me about a therapy appointment. She wanted to know why I was seeing a therapist, In hindsight she actually got the terms therapist and chiropractor mixed up (ha!) but I didn’t know that at the time. I took the opportunity to explain to her how important therapy is and how wonderful it is for adults to seek support. I explained to her that just like kids need someone to talk to and problem-solve, adults need the same.
It doesn’t go away just because you get older, even though children (and truth-be-told many adults) think it does. I told her that the strongest people in the world need therapy. And I truly meant it. I never want that therapy to be a bad word.
All of this is why I’m here to say that therapy is one of the best forms of self-care. Far as someone who is perpetually anxious, talking through scenarios and potential issues is a great way to self-soothe. Even more so, using those opportunities to do inner work, speak to my inner self, and revisit previous traumas are all great ways to grow personally and psychologically. These are all things that cannot be accessed when we are in immediate crisis because they are less important at the time. However, they are just as important during growth periods.
In the past, therapy has been viewed as something crazy people needed to do to get well, or that addicts needed to do in order to recover. It was mandated… necessary to become a better, more functioning member of society. But the truth is, we are complex beings. A lot is going on in our minds and the ability to resonate with our thoughts and be the strongest we can be mentally is so important.
Being strong enough to say that we are working on ourselves is one of the best forms of self-care. Taking the time to be the best we can be, or even bitch and complain to an impartial party will allow us important clarity.
One thing that I am working on is consistent appointments with my therapist, whether I am in crisis or not. Consistent doesn’t need to be weekly, but just at a regular interval. Although I am not ashamed to admit that my weekly therapy appointment is often the highlight of my week. I think that in many ways continuing therapy during those “downtimes” can be more powerful than when we feel we are in desperate need to speak to someone. I am guilty of this in a huge way. I let my therapy appointments lapse because I felt like I was in a good place. Then, the moment I felt like I was in crisis I was incredulous at the fact that my therapist couldn’t possibly drop everything and see me immediately. This is obviously completely unrealistic and a sure sign that I was in desperate need of therapy. But obviously, this is not the way the world works. And therapists don’t sit around like a crisis hotline waiting for you to meet them.
It should be said, though, that although I am saying this with a bit of jest, there IS a crisis hotline should it be needed, and there is no shame in accessing it. In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Hotline is available at 1-833-456-4566. In Toronto (where I am based out-of) you can always call 905-408-HELP 24 hours/day. If you are EVER worried that you or someone close to you are in imminent danger of self-harm, please call 911.
This is life (and we don’t ever have to go through it alone). Love, Mom.
It is no surprise that most of our friends and acquaintances are parents. It wasn’t really planned that way, but that’s how life turned out. A few days ago, Hubby and I were catching up with a friend. We were talking about having our kids returned to school and needing space from them for everyone’s benefit. He said something that stuck with me, as it truly reflected my own feelings. He said, “I LOVE my kids, but I want to LIKE them as well”. To me, this made a lot of sense. As parents, no one would doubt how much we love our kids. There is very little doubt about how much we would do for our kids, and what they mean to us. I would step in front of a train for my children. But sometimes, gosh, they are not very likable.
It takes a lot to admit that there are times I need space from my kids. There is a lot of guilt and shame put on parents who think this – from society. Aren’t we supposed to love our kids unconditionally, aren’t we supposed to relish in every single moment and never want to be away from them? How could we ever fathom being apart?? When they were younger other moms would ask me about my thoughts on daycare. I would explain that I love my children, but I’m open to other people loving my children too.
Because the time I spend with them should be positive. As much as possible I want to be able to enjoy our interactions. And truth be told, there are times when my judgement is clouded because I am so frustrated.
Like many other parents, I have enough quips and one-liners to write a book. N, in particular, is full of them. He’s not saying them to be particularly sassy, but more in a matter-of-fact kind of way. He is our lawyer and will say whatever is on his mind – often times trying to argue his way out of things. For example, when I stated that I didn’t want to repeat myself again, he kindly pointed out that I “just did, so it’s too late”. Or when I told him I’m tired of asking him to do something he replied that perhaps I should “just go take a nap”. Looking back on those comments I can laugh because the truth is they are hilarious. However, at the moment they are definitely less than funny.
Hubby has told me on numerous occasions I need to loosen up. He says that I am wound very tight when it comes to the children and that I can come across as being very short with them. This is a constant struggle for me, as I want to be the easy-going, laissez-faire kind of parent… but if you have read any of my previous posts you know that could not be further from the truth. The truth is that I need a break sometimes. Self-reflection and self-awareness have taught me that can be in the form of hiding in the pantry and counting to 10.
I am lucky that the kids are old enough that they will be okay in those 10 seconds…. not like when they were toddlers and 10 seconds of silence meant mayhem was occurring in the other room.
As I go through this post, I reflect on what the purpose is – what it is that I am trying to convey. Sometimes I feel like these topics are glorified brain-dumps. A string of consciousness tied together by a thin line. But the irony is that is probably the most reflective of a mom-brain. Twenty-five different tabs open and running simultaneously… but I digress. The truth is, that I am hoping to shed light on a stigma that has plagued us for far too long. The idea that our children are always full of rainbows and sunshine and that we shall love them and want to be around them every waking minute is fraught with mistruths. We can be great parents AND need space from our kids sometimes. These ideas are not mutually exclusive, even if we are led to believe that they are. Thinking so doesn’t make us bad parents – it makes us human.
March 8 is International Women’s Day. The day was set aside to celebrate women and all of their accomplishments across the globe. Women are a powerhouse force to be reckoned with – and I’m not just saying that because I AM one. I am incredibly honoured and humbled that I was approached to speak at a Woman’s March on that day. However, due to a scheduling conflict, I am unable to do so. As a compromise, I have written this for them.
I want to start with the obvious – there is a reason that a day needed to be set aside in the first place. Is there an international men’s day? No, because they don’t need extra recognition. When I was a kid, I used to ask my parents why there was a Mother’s Day and a Father’s Day, but no “kids day”. My parents always replied that it was because every other day is kids’ day. I think the same sentiment can be true in this case. We need a day to recognize women and all the good they do because otherwise it’s not readily celebrated. Society has put women in a situation where wrongs need to be righted, and inequities need to be managed. So a day is set aside in an effort to fix it – to make it okay. The danger in doing so is the need to applaud and recognize women on one day, and unfortunately, allow them to fall by the wayside the other 364 days of the year.
The theme of this year’s march is “break the bias”… which got me thinking about which bias(es) we need to break. What are the tangible, actionable items we can pinpoint to change our outlook and our worth as women? And the most important thing is about our worth. What we bring to the table, and what we can offer, matters more than our anatomy.
We should not be limited based on our sex but based on our own parameters – our education, our imagination, and our motivation.
The number one thing I want to teach my daughter is how strong she is. How limitless her future is. And how the only person who controls that is HER. Ironically, as I was writing this post she approached me and told me that she was thankful for me and that she was so proud of me for doing so many things a the same time. I wish I could say that it was scripted, or that it happens all the time, but neither of those things would be true. It was just good timing and a reminder that I am on the right path with her.
That being said, I am not here to nag on society about how much women should be appreciated. As a society, I would like to believe that we have been working hard, ensuring that women receive equal pay, equal rights, and the same responsibilities as their male counterparts. The concept of the glass ceiling, and how this is not reality right now is a topic for a later discussion. Today I want to focus on what CAN be changed, and that is the change we can all make from within. It took many sessions of therapy to come to the understanding that you cannot change other people’s actions, thoughts, and limiting beliefs. You can only change how you react to them. The truth is, how you react will not necessarily have a direct impact on those beliefs, but it does have a direct impact on your mental health. You can be upset, mad, and frustrated at people’s biases towards you, but the only one who will be directly affected is you. It won’t change the other person’s feelings or beliefs. As much as these biases sit within society, they also sit in our own heads. I know that is not what we want to hear – because it is easier in some respects to think that these are only external thoughts. But the truth is, we need to be introspective and find our power from within.
So how do we do that, as women who have to constantly fight an uphill battle? How do we find and celebrate our worth? If we wait for society, or the patriarchy to do so, we’ll have to wait for generations to come. The best way is to celebrate each other. Somewhere along the way, women decided that we needed to compete with one another. We have to be there to build each other up when no one else will. Celebrating each other’s successes, and being there when we fall, is what makes us stronger.
It shows our daughters that being kind, supportive, and caring produces much better results than being jealous of others. There is a reason the saying “power in numbers” is used so often – because it’s true. We are truly stronger together.
My message for you today is to be strong enough to build someone else up instead of tearing them down. Let’s not wait for others to recognize our worth – we need to do that for ourselves and each other. Not just today, but every day. In doing so, we will be better. Together.
The other day, I was listening to a podcast about motherhood and mental health, and a discussion about the following quote by Glennon Doyle rocked me:
“Mothers have martyred themselves in their children’s names since the beginning of time. We have lived as if she who disappears the most, loves the most. We have been conditioned to prove our love by slowly ceasing to exist.
What a terrible burden for children to bear—to know that they are the reason their mother stopped living. What a terrible burden for our daughters to bear—to know that if they choose to become mothers, this will be their fate, too. Because if we show them that being a martyr is the highest form of love, that is what they will become. They will feel obligated to love as well as their mothers loved, after all. They will believe they have permission to live only as fully as their mothers allowed themselves to live.
If we keep passing down the legacy of martyrdom to our daughters, with whom does it end? Which woman ever gets to live? And when does the death sentence begin? At the wedding altar? In the delivery room? Whose delivery room—our children’s or our own? When we call martyrdom love we teach our children that when love begins, life ends. This is why Jung suggested: There is no greater burden on a child than the unlived life of a parent.”
Glennon Doyle “Untamed”
What struck me more than the quote itself was how controversial it was. The podcaster and her two guests had differing opinions on it. One understood why people might have an issue with the quote. Another was saddened by the fact that it was controversial in the first place. After the podcast finished, I read it over and over, trying to make sense of it. What was it that stuck with me? Resonated with me so viscerally?
This isn’t the first time I have spoken about women and the role of motherhood. The impossible task of trying to be everything for everyone. I should clarify before I go any further, that I fully both recognize and appreciate that many fathers feel this in their role, as well. I know that the feeling of martyrdom for the sake of our children is not strictly reserved for mothers. However, society has engineered a situation where mothers are the most at risk. The first part of the quote is the one that makes me the saddest. The idea that we are teaching that when “love begins, life ends” is one that is hard to grapple with. It isn’t to say that being a mother isn’t important, or that your life had changed for the better when it happens because that is true. But there is a societal expectation that the two cannot happen in unison. Somehow we have equated the level of sacrifice with the level of love. Somehow as a society, we feel that mothers who give up more of themselves are those who love their children more. If this is true, working mothers are at an immediate disadvantage by doing something that isn’t directly linked to their children.
One thing is clear – how we live and make decisions most definitely rubs off on our children. Our actions show our daughters how they should (and shouldn’t) behave once they are mothers. It shows our sons what to expect of the mothers of their children. (Again, a caveat: I am talking on a visceral level about the roles of mothers, and am not meaning to disregard other forms of families). One thing I love to do with J is put together furniture. She has become quite adept at it, even putting together items on her own. If you ask her my thoughts on it, she will repeat my sentiments which are that society believes women need to ask men for help to do things like that, but she won’t need to ask anyone for help because she will be able to do things for herself. It brings me so much joy to hear her say that – to know that she can relish in her independence.
As a society, we are getting better at telling women that they can do things on their own. That being a woman should not stifle her. Being a wife does not have to define her. And being a mother does not have to limit her. And yet, there continues to be an indignity associated with women who want more than just motherhood or want to also define themselves by their careers and/or passion projects. It is as though doing so will make them less of a mother.
There is an unspoken shame that many women feel when they cannot be everything in every situation. You cannot give 100% to your children and 100% to your career simultaneously. It is physically, mentally, and mathematically impossible. And yet, I sit here wondering why do we not hear the term “working father”? Why is this definition solely reserved for women? Again, because women are set up to make impossible decisions. One that we have made to be synonymous with how much we love our children. One that is meant to pit our own self-identity against that of our identity that is tied into others – being a wife, being a mother, or being an employee.
What is the most difficult about all of this, is how hard it is to change. We can begin to have these discussions for ourselves, but breaking down years and years of society’s norms and beliefs is much easier said than done. This is not an overnight turnaround. We are stuck on this hamster wheel… spinning and spinning….. The only solution is as far as I see it, is a long-term one where we teach our sons and daughters that they can do better. We teach our daughters to be defined by the roles THEY create, and not by one single event or experience. We need to do better for them.
Life Love Mom 