Life Love Mom

Tag: school

  • Where Did I Land My Helicopter?

    Where Did I Land My Helicopter?

    As cliche as it sounds, there is nothing harder, yet more fulfilling than being a parent. There are so many times I pinch myself, wondering who gave me the responsibility of raising children. Not that I’m not capable, but to some extent we were children, and now we are responsible for our own children. So many parents lament “if only there were a handbook…..” or wonder if they can google “how to raise my kids”. It can be hard to find yourself in the ebb and flow of parenting. Not to mention, what is good for one child is rarely the same for the next. There needs to be a balance between being the “helicopter” parent and letting our children just figure things out on their own. Neither at its extreme is helpful or rational, but it isn’t easy to find that middle ground. There is nothing we want more than to keep our kids safe, and to have them become good humans…. but how we get there is a bit of a mystery. We know the final destination, but the roadmap is nowhere to be found.

    No one would argue that being a helicopter parent is a good idea, for both the parent and the child. In case you are not familiar with this term, a helicopter parent does not let their child out of their sight. The constant micromanaging, worrying, hovering over your child, and keeping them close is not ideal. The fear is that they will be hurt, or put in a dangerous situation. So the antidote is to ensure that you are constantly there to protect them. However, in doing so it leaves little room to allow them to make mistakes.

    It also makes transitions to school and programs quite difficult (usually more so for the parent than the child). As much as we want, we cannot go through life holding their hands, or encasing them in bubble wrap.

    And to be clear, the opposite is no better. The idea that children should simply learn by experiencing life, and from their mistakes is fraught with issues, as well. Yes, children should learn life lessons, and get the bumps and scrapes that come with growing up. As a teacher, I can appreciate that learning certain skills on your own is much more valuable than having them explained to you. Coming to understand the world through natural consequences is indeed important. Working through experiences, building resilience, and figuring out right from wrong are all invaluable lessons. But, by being completely hands-off, children lose the attachment to parental figures that is so important. And the question is – are we putting them in unnecessary situations? Are they learning lessons they shouldn’t need to learn? The argument becomes if we CAN protect them, why shouldn’t we?

    With all this back and forth swirling around in our heads, and the whispers of every parenting expert in our ear, what is the answer? What path will yield the best result? All we know is we want our children to be the best they can be; to grow up to be good, self-sufficient, kind human beings. As mothers, there is an inherent fear that we are constantly messing up our kids. I myself am guilty of this, as well. Decisions are met with self-doubt, questioning, and rationalization. Should I have let them do their own thing? Did I not step up enough? Was the best decision made for the situation? These questions are coupled with the nagging notion that each decision holds more weight than it truly does. As if we are one decision away from permanently messing up our children. Of course, in hindsight, this is rarely the case, but it doesn’t feel like that at the time.

    Interestingly, before I had children I often thought I would be more relaxed (I mean, didn’t we all??). I didn’t think I would be so worried all the time – specifically about the kids hurting themselves or becoming ill. And yet, here I am. I want them to be good, do good, and feel good. I want them to stand up for themselves and be respectful. I want them to be safe and secure. But I struggle with how best to execute this. I have had my “helicopter” moments, and let me tell you there are more of them than I’d really care to admit. The idea of them falling (either proverbially or physically) and not being there to catch them is daunting. I know that this feeling was heightened when J became very ill and was hospitalized at 2 years of age. I won’t get into it now, but I will in future posts. There is a delicate balance between keeping them safe and allowing them the opportunity to learn on their own, and admittedly I don’t know the formula.

    So can you imagine what happens when you throw Covid into the mix? The mystery that has plagued communities for the better part of two years has sent us all into hyperdrive trying to protect our children. Teaching them to wear masks, sanitize their hands, sneeze into their elbows, and inform adults when the sniffles are “just allergies” (when they truly are, of course!) has taken over our lives. We are left with the question, how can we protect our children if we haven’t yet figured out how to protect ourselves? Yes, we are making headway, but there is still a ways to go. Now let’s be clear – I am not using this platform to delve into the vaccine or mask debate. There is too much there to unpack, and I don’t think a one-off blog post is a place to do it. But, of course, these are other questions that are constantly top-of-mind. The whole situation would send any sane parent into overdrive, wondering how best to ensure their child’s safety.

    These are thoughts that continue to plague me, especially since September is already here. Maybe that’s part of the balance I struggle to find as a parent. What I DO know is that Covid has hit those who question their parenting, who don’t want to hover but cannot bear to look away… This is not to say that we have all had our own struggles because of this pandemic. But as we enter another school year, I know that the parents I talk to are all worried about the same thing – how can we keep them safe when we can’t see them all day? How do we keep them healthy when we have no control over the environment they are in? There is an element of letting go that is involved in sending our children off to school that is difficult to grasp – even for parents who are more hands-off than the rest.

    If I’m being candid and honest, I’m not entirely sure what I want to impart in this post. I began writing this because I wanted to grapple with my babies returning to school, and the extra layer that Covid has added. Having been home last year altogether, sending them out into the world again is frightening. I want them to have the most normal of experience in what is the most abnormal of circumstances. All the while, I want to keep them safe. So when I find my helicopter, we can all jump in together and hover over our children. At least for the near future until we can see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

    But this is life. Love, Mom

  • Gifted Doesn’t Mean You’re Smarter

    Gifted Doesn’t Mean You’re Smarter

    August signals the beginning of the end – the countdown to back to school. Since being a teacher is so much of who I am, I wanted to ensure that I carved a space in this blog for educational topics and specifically gifted education. As an aside, my twitter is dedicated to my teaching journey, so if you are interested in more of that, there is a link to my account at the top of this page. When I tell people that I am a teacher, one of the questions I get asked the most is about gifted education. There is something elusive and mystical about children who are brighter than the rest. The general consensus is that these students are the unicorns of the education system – they follow all instructions, understand everything, and always ask for extra work. I’m here to tell you that this is not the case.

    When I was in school, I had never heard the term “gifted”. Perhaps it was because I went to a private school, but as students, we were all told we were bright and capable. I know that many students were deemed gifted, mainly in public school or by private assessment, but it wasn’t something that had a specific place in my elementary school history. It just wasn’t something I had encountered growing up. When I was earning my Bachelors of Education, there was very little discussion about gifted education. It wasn’t until I completed my the first part of my additional qualification of Special Education that there was talk of the gifted side of special education. In fact, for the whole course there was one class about it (can you hear my sarcasm through the keys??). Throughout my entire Special Education qualification (all three parts), discussion and planning around gifted students seemed like an afterthought. In case you are wondering why this would even be a special education topic, it is because the curriculum is changed to meet the needs of these learners. They have needs that go above and beyond what the regular curriculum has. The absence of this in the courses and teachings further strengthened the idea that gifted students didn’t need to be discussed because there wasn’t anything difficult about working with them. Shame on the system.

    I will be the first to admit that I was hesitant to work with gifted students, as I didn’t want to seem “dumb” or “incapable”. I was offered the position at my current school, having only worked with the students on the other side of the special education spectrum. Those students worried me because in my mind they were all students who were doing university-level math and reading at a high-school level. When we think of these students from a media perspective, we think of savant children who can do anything. All I can think of is the 1991 movie Little Man Tate, about a little boy with extraordinary intelligence. There is a very memorable scene near the beginning when they are trying to teach him to say the word “plate” but he keeps saying “Koffer” instead. They think something is wrong until they realize he is reading the brand of the plate inscribed on the back. What I came to learn very quickly is that, unlike in the movies, gifted doesn’t mean you are smarter than your peers. There is a heavy crown that comes with being labelled gifted.

    The Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children (WISC) is a test to measure intelligence in children. It is also the scale used by many school boards as a pre-requisite for the gifted program. It doesn’t measure straight IQ. It looks at verbal (spoken) and non-verbal (pictures, coding) reasoning. This means that when you are gifted, you think differently. It doesn’t mean you can spell out facts like an encyclopedia, or explain how to split an atom. It means that when you look at a problem, your mind tackles it differently. You can reason differently, and look at the world differently. This is not a test that can be studied for or requires reading or writing, much to the chagrin of many parents who are hoping to increase their child’s chances of being placed in that program.

    Why do I bring this up? Because since I began teaching in the gifted program, I begin every year with the same statement. Gifted doesn’t mean you are smarter. The first year I taught in the gifted program, a student came up to me and asked how I became so smart. When I asked her what she meant, she replied that I knew all the answers. After a few moments of thinking about how to craft a response in my head, I told her that I did not know all the answers; I just knew where to look to find them. After I said that, it was like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. I was no longer scared of not being as smart as my students, or being incapable of answering their questions. It was then that I knew my job was not to answer their questions but to teach them to answer them for themselves. So many students come into the gifted program at the top of their class. They are the students for which academics come easily. They are the ones the teacher doesn’t need to worry about. The system has built them up to think that they are more academically inclined than their peers, which isn’t necessarily the case. Often students have difficulty with social relationships, self-regulation, organization and goal-setting. As I mentioned before, being gifted is not all rainbows and sunshine. There is a heavy crown that comes along with the title.

    As parents, we have to make the best decisions we can for our children. For some, this means a program that is tailored to fit their academic needs (such as a gifted program). For others, it means a program with like-minded individuals might not be the best fit. The key is knowing that there is no one-size-fits-all program for gifted learners. Ironically, Hubby and I discussed that if J had testing in the gifted range, we would not send her to the gifted program, as she loves her current school and the friendships she has forged there. I adore teaching the gifted program, and I would never want to teach any other group. The students can be adventurous, outgoing, inquisitive, or self-driven. However, they can also be shy, socially awkward, anxious, or quirky. They are not perfect but are perfect for me. What they are not, is smarter than everyone else.

    This is life. Love, Mom.