Tag: selfworth

The Best Form of Self-Care

So it’s been a minute since I’ve written. When I started this blog I had grand ideas about publishing once a week. It’s not that I don’t have enough to say, it’s that putting it down on paper has proven to be a trying task. There are times my mind feels like a washing machine, and all my thoughts are articles of clothing. They all mix together, unsorted, trying to get clean and organized. But instead, they just roll around in my head. Life has definitely gotten in the way and I have had to pause to take some time for myself. Taking care of my mental health is definitely harder to put into practice than just talking about it. It’s something I am a huge proponent of, and have written about before. However, as is always in life, talking about something and putting it into practice are two very different beasts. But… to be the best mother and woman I can be, I have to be a little bit selfish.

Over the past little while. I have found myself having many conversations with people about therapy. It has made its way in countless times, not intentionally, but simply in the course of conversation. I have never been shy about speaking to a therapist, and I gladly share my experiences with others. I am a huge champion of therapy and the importance of both talk therapy and behaviour management skills (in the form of CBT and the like). I think this comes from my background in psychology, but also in seeing the results firsthand.

I remember one time in the car, J had asked me about a therapy appointment. She wanted to know why I was seeing a therapist, In hindsight she actually got the terms therapist and chiropractor mixed up (ha!) but I didn’t know that at the time. I took the opportunity to explain to her how important therapy is and how wonderful it is for adults to seek support. I explained to her that just like kids need someone to talk to and problem-solve, adults need the same.

It doesn’t go away just because you get older, even though children (and truth-be-told many adults) think it does. I told her that the strongest people in the world need therapy. And I truly meant it. I never want that therapy to be a bad word.

All of this is why I’m here to say that therapy is one of the best forms of self-care. Far as someone who is perpetually anxious, talking through scenarios and potential issues is a great way to self-soothe. Even more so, using those opportunities to do inner work, speak to my inner self, and revisit previous traumas are all great ways to grow personally and psychologically. These are all things that cannot be accessed when we are in immediate crisis because they are less important at the time. However, they are just as important during growth periods.

In the past, therapy has been viewed as something crazy people needed to do to get well, or that addicts needed to do in order to recover. It was mandated… necessary to become a better, more functioning member of society. But the truth is, we are complex beings. A lot is going on in our minds and the ability to resonate with our thoughts and be the strongest we can be mentally is so important.

Being strong enough to say that we are working on ourselves is one of the best forms of self-care. Taking the time to be the best we can be, or even bitch and complain to an impartial party will allow us important clarity.

One thing that I am working on is consistent appointments with my therapist, whether I am in crisis or not. Consistent doesn’t need to be weekly, but just at a regular interval. Although I am not ashamed to admit that my weekly therapy appointment is often the highlight of my week. I think that in many ways continuing therapy during those “downtimes” can be more powerful than when we feel we are in desperate need to speak to someone. I am guilty of this in a huge way. I let my therapy appointments lapse because I felt like I was in a good place. Then, the moment I felt like I was in crisis I was incredulous at the fact that my therapist couldn’t possibly drop everything and see me immediately. This is obviously completely unrealistic and a sure sign that I was in desperate need of therapy. But obviously, this is not the way the world works. And therapists don’t sit around like a crisis hotline waiting for you to meet them.

It should be said, though, that although I am saying this with a bit of jest, there IS a crisis hotline should it be needed, and there is no shame in accessing it. In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Hotline is available at 1-833-456-4566. In Toronto (where I am based out-of) you can always call 905-408-HELP 24 hours/day. If you are EVER worried that you or someone close to you are in imminent danger of self-harm, please call 911.

This is life (and we don’t ever have to go through it alone). Love, Mom.

May 9, 2022
Breaking The Bias

March 8 is International Women’s Day. The day was set aside to celebrate women and all of their accomplishments across the globe. Women are a powerhouse force to be reckoned with – and I’m not just saying that because I AM one. I am incredibly honoured and humbled that I was approached to speak at a Woman’s March on that day. However, due to a scheduling conflict, I am unable to do so. As a compromise, I have written this for them.

I want to start with the obvious – there is a reason that a day needed to be set aside in the first place. Is there an international men’s day? No, because they don’t need extra recognition. When I was a kid, I used to ask my parents why there was a Mother’s Day and a Father’s Day, but no “kids day”. My parents always replied that it was because every other day is kids’ day. I think the same sentiment can be true in this case. We need a day to recognize women and all the good they do because otherwise it’s not readily celebrated. Society has put women in a situation where wrongs need to be righted, and inequities need to be managed. So a day is set aside in an effort to fix it – to make it okay. The danger in doing so is the need to applaud and recognize women on one day, and unfortunately, allow them to fall by the wayside the other 364 days of the year.

The theme of this year’s march is “break the bias”… which got me thinking about which bias(es) we need to break. What are the tangible, actionable items we can pinpoint to change our outlook and our worth as women? And the most important thing is about our worth. What we bring to the table, and what we can offer, matters more than our anatomy.

We should not be limited based on our sex but based on our own parameters – our education, our imagination, and our motivation.

The number one thing I want to teach my daughter is how strong she is. How limitless her future is. And how the only person who controls that is HER. Ironically, as I was writing this post she approached me and told me that she was thankful for me and that she was so proud of me for doing so many things a the same time. I wish I could say that it was scripted, or that it happens all the time, but neither of those things would be true. It was just good timing and a reminder that I am on the right path with her.

That being said, I am not here to nag on society about how much women should be appreciated. As a society, I would like to believe that we have been working hard, ensuring that women receive equal pay, equal rights, and the same responsibilities as their male counterparts. The concept of the glass ceiling, and how this is not reality right now is a topic for a later discussion. Today I want to focus on what CAN be changed, and that is the change we can all make from within. It took many sessions of therapy to come to the understanding that you cannot change other people’s actions, thoughts, and limiting beliefs. You can only change how you react to them. The truth is, how you react will not necessarily have a direct impact on those beliefs, but it does have a direct impact on your mental health. You can be upset, mad, and frustrated at people’s biases towards you, but the only one who will be directly affected is you. It won’t change the other person’s feelings or beliefs. As much as these biases sit within society, they also sit in our own heads. I know that is not what we want to hear – because it is easier in some respects to think that these are only external thoughts. But the truth is, we need to be introspective and find our power from within.

So how do we do that, as women who have to constantly fight an uphill battle? How do we find and celebrate our worth? If we wait for society, or the patriarchy to do so, we’ll have to wait for generations to come. The best way is to celebrate each other. Somewhere along the way, women decided that we needed to compete with one another. We have to be there to build each other up when no one else will. Celebrating each other’s successes, and being there when we fall, is what makes us stronger.

It shows our daughters that being kind, supportive, and caring produces much better results than being jealous of others. There is a reason the saying “power in numbers” is used so often – because it’s true. We are truly stronger together.

My message for you today is to be strong enough to build someone else up instead of tearing them down. Let’s not wait for others to recognize our worth – we need to do that for ourselves and each other. Not just today, but every day. In doing so, we will be better. Together.

This is life. Love, Mom

February 24, 2022