Life Love Mom

Tag: truth

  • The Grass Is Greener On The Filtered Side Of The Square

    The Grass Is Greener On The Filtered Side Of The Square

    We all do it… sometimes weekly…. usually daily… the mindless social media scroll. Our time to unplug without expectations or responsibilities. A safe, easy way to disconnect from our responsibilities and check in with those we know, and often times those we don’t. Except it is never that easy or safe. In fact, if we are not careful, it may be the most detrimental thing we do all day.

    “Social media was a place for witty, satirical comments; stylistic food pics; photos of beautiful homes and children; and birth announcements. It was a place to scroll through to get an idea of where you fared in the world, and figure out whether you were winning or losing at life.”

    The Family Next Door, Sally Hepworth

    Social media is a funny thing. We approach it as though it is an open door into people’s entire lives instead of a small window. We view, judge, and envy them based on what they post in little squares. I am guilty of this, as well. Getting caught up in what people post about themselves is so easy. Their accomplishments, their vacations, their bright and shiny lives. We see all the things they want to share and all the ways they want to show their lives to others.

    In the past, I have done the same on my own accounts. We want to showcase all the good things and memorialize them in the social media squares we post. We want others to see the good things about our lives. Those are the things we are comfortable sharing. There is no danger in that. And the truth is, as consumers of social media, I doubt the escape would be as fulfilling if our feeds were filled with negative or difficult topics. The state of the world right now is one of the reasons we turn to social media to “tune out” the noise – to go and see fun, light, uplifting content.

    Very few people want to air their grievances, dirty laundry, or hard days for the entire internet to see – and with good reason. There is no reason to invite people into every aspect of our lives and let them know all our struggles. There is no reason to post about the fight we had with our spouse about taking the garbage out or the way it takes double the allotted amount of time to leave the house in the morning. These are private moments that aren’t meant to see the light of day. They are events that are meant to be sorted out in private without a show to the world. However, when we intentionally leave those out of the equation, we present a filtered view of our lives. We present only half of the story.

    This is not to say that I think that everyone should post everything about their lives. Some things SHOULD remain private, and not open to the world. We do not have a responsibility to anyone other than ourselves. The purpose is not to share the ins and outs of everything that you do every day. We are not animals in social media cages for everyone else to ogle and point at. I have always wondered this about influencers, who often post so many aspects of their daily lives.

    There is a point at which posting about everything leaves little room to actually live your life. We have to be okay to live outside of the camera instead of through it. In an effort to video and photograph our moments and lives, we forget to truly live through them. This is not healthy either, nor does it set a good example for our children.

    However, I think that there needs to be a medium, both for creators and consumers of social media. Over the past couple of years, I have tried to be more candid about the struggles I am facing. I have used this blog as a vehicle to share many of those deeper, more honest thoughts. I have also tried to share more on my social media to present more. of a whole picture. There are still things I keep very private and have no interest in sharing with others. If you are in my inner circle, you are privy to that information, but it is not out for the world to see. And that is how I believe it should be. There is also still an element of fear about being judged by others that I m working through. This will never change, but I am beginning with being more open and honest with myself, and I am hopeful that the rest will come. It won’t ever change completely, but perhaps there will be a shift in that direction.

    As a consumer, it is more difficult in many ways. Understanding that people only post certain elements of their lives is easy to digest when you are in the mindset to do so. When you are in a positive headspace you can see social media for what it is – a snapshot into others’ lives covered in pretty filters and hashtags. It is a collection of what others want us to see. However, when you are feeling down, doubtful, or anxious, it is more difficult to see it for what it is.

    We view it with green eyes and self-doubt. Why are they happy? How do they have everything together? Why are their children so perfect? How can I have what they have? We quickly forget that there is so much going on behind the scenes that aren’t shared because we are already feeling down on ourselves.

    I have had numerous conversations about this with my therapist, and how not to fall into that trap. She gave me the best advice on the matter – use the mute button. If they are not serving you, shelf them for a bit. It doesn’t mean that you have to delete those accounts indefinitely, but giving yourself a break from those who are not welcome in your season of life is liberating. I have been trying to change my algorithm by following and interacting with accounts that fill my bucket and my soul. Accounts that are more real, geared towards self-care and daily quotes that fuel my soul. I have also significantly decreased my time on social media in total. I know my sister goes as far as to put a 30-minute timer filter on her phone so it only lets her go on social media for a small period of time per day. She never comes close to that time, but even knowing it’s there is enough for her.

    I think, above all, I must close with this: like many topics in this blog, I write about things I am nowhere near perfect at. I share my thoughts because they are relevant to me, and I believe that opening the discussion is the best place to start. I do not share to be preachy or because I have everything together. This is so far from the case. I am struggling with this every day. So let’s try to normalize that what we see and show in our squares is only a piece of the puzzle. It is the view we want to give others. And there is nothing wrong with that AS LONG AS we take it for what it is – a filtered view of reality.

    This is life. Love, Mom.

  • Have We Entered The Twilight Zone?

    Have We Entered The Twilight Zone?

    **TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains material of a graphic and controversial nature**

    I am angry, upset, and speechless. This past week, a historical error was made in the United States supreme court. It took me time before I could even prepare to write this. I had to let the information sit with me, and mull it over for a while. This is the first time in a long time that I needed to formulate my thoughts before I could even begin to put them down on “paper”.

    Let me start by discussing Roe vs. Wade, and why it is important. In 1973 the United States supreme court voted against the banning of abortions in Texas, which in turn made abortions legal across the country. It maintained that it was a woman’s constitutional right to her body and decisions surrounding it. Up until that point, women could seek abortions for medical reasons, or travel out of the country if they had the financial means to do so. Those who were impoverished or did not have access to proper medical care sought out illegal clinics or, unfortunately, took matters into their own hands. The decision in 1973 allowed women to access abortions safely when necessary. It is also critical to add that constitutional law overrides state law, so states that wanted to ban or limit abortions no longer had the power to do so.

    After the ruling, women were able to make choices about their bodies based on their circumstances. This segued into birth control, health care, body and sexual autonomy. It would appear it was only about one issue, but in fact, so much more came of it. Crime rates, incidents of illegal abortions, and risk of death were all lowered. Employment and healthcare opportunities increased. By normalizing a woman’s right to choose, confidence increased. And yet, this week we were shuttled back 50 years when the court overturned the decision. Before we go any further, an important distinction needs to be made. Being pro-choice is not the same as being pro- or anti-abortion. Pro-choice means you are open to the right to choose. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with her choice. Pro-choice means that you believe that legislation and government should not dictate a woman’s body. And yet, here we are… stripping women of their right to choose what they want to do with their own bodies.

    Being pregnant and choosing not to be is not limited to women in committed relationships (although even then it is within a woman’s right to choose). Being pregnant as a result of rape, ectopic pregnancies, or pregnancies with fetal abnormalities are all reasons why women may choose to end the pregnancy. This doesn’t even mention medical or economic conditions which may come into play. I am not sure what upsets me more – the fact that this decision has been overturned or the number of times I have read comments on social media that if you don’t want to be pregnant, you should “just close your legs”. The shame that is placed on women for even being in the position to need to make a choice is its own version of cruel and unusual punishment.

    I WISH I was making this up because my faith in humanity drops down a point each time I read a comment like that. It is such a close-minded, myopic, uneducated point of view, which is almost always held by those who have never been put in the position to make that choice.

    All that is to say that there is a sense that when a woman chooses abortion it is a flippant decision, which is not necessarily the case. I want to qualify this by saying that I have never personally been in this position but I know others who have. Many women wrestle with the decision and do not come to it lightly. It is one that is made over the course of many days of debates and even more days of questioning after the fact. Women who choose to participate in abortions live with that decision every day – it is one they don’t forget.

    The overturning of this decision is about the right to choose, yes. But it is also about power, autonomy, voicelessness, the lack of rights for women, and the even smaller rights for those who are marginalized and impoverished. Yet again, those who have access to money and means will go to another state or another country to safely access abortions. Those who cannot, will be back to illegal clinics and underground means.

    For a country that is already grappling with the right to bear arms, and the rampant gun violence that is plaguing communities, it is a sad fact that women seem to have fewer rights than guns. Guns are protected – if you want them you can have them. Women, not as much.

    As a mother to a girl, I am sad. Even as I sit here and write this, I think about my own daughter. I am aware that I am writing this in Canada, and I technically don’t have to fear repercussions should she or I ever be forced to make a decision like this. I am grateful that the Canadian government has come out and stated that women’s rights are sacred and will never be up for debate. I am grateful that our country is one that has pledged not to politicize a woman’s reproductive system. But I would be remiss if I didn’t say I am still scared. I read a quote last week that said that “when the United States sneezes, Canada catches a cold”. While I don’t think the same law will come into effect here, our neighbours to the south do influence us. What does it say about the United States that 9 people have been able to make a decision affecting millions? Their morals, beliefs and laws are all, at some point, intertwined with ours. What does it say about us as humanity if the country that is considered one of the most progressive in the worst has sent women back to the dark ages? American children will have fewer rights than their mothers did. This will very sadly have global implications with other countries feeling more empowered to limit women’s reproductive rights.

    Interestingly enough, my daughter approached me as I was writing this and asked what I was writing about. I told her I didn’t want her to read it, and that I needed time to explain it to her. And I sit here wondering how I can even begin to verbalize this to her. Not because it is about sex and pregnancy but because it is the opposite of everything I have taught her about her body. I have always been very clear that it is her body, and she has every right to make decisions around it… and yet some people think that shouldn’t be the case. How do I explain to her that if she ever got pregnant and chose not to keep it that she could exercise her right to choose, but so many women have just had that right taken away? And on top of it all how do I begin t explain that there is nothing we can do to change it? Yes, we can donate to organizations, sign petitions and make our voices heard, but at the end of the day, the decision is not ours to make. This is a heavy pill to swallow.

    So I sit here, mad and angry. And the truth is, you should be angry, too. It doesn’t matter if you are a woman, a man, a Canadian, an American, someone who is out of child-bearing age, someone who doesn’t want children…. everyone should care. You should care about your mothers, sisters, and friends who are heartbroken by this silencing of their voices. You should care about the fact that women are feeling alone and abandoned. I am heartbroken that this is even a topic of discussion. I am devastated that there are so many women in a FIRST WORLD country that no longer have the autonomy to choose what to do with their bodies. I am enraged that the shame associated with rape and incest is magnified by the legality of the potential additional decision of terminating a resulting pregnancy. I feel helpless about the current state of humanity. Currently in search of an unknown silver lining…

    This is life. Love, Mom.

  • Excuse Me While I Step Off My High Horse

    Excuse Me While I Step Off My High Horse

    When J was a baby, Hubby and I took a family trip to Florida. On our first night there, we went to a restaurant with my parents. After a few moments, a couple walked in with their three children. Each child was holding their own device and proceeded to play on them while they waited for their food. Hubby and I looked at each other and immediately agreed that we would never be like that. When we went out, our kids would sit and colour and we would have meaningful family conversations. I guess we neglected to agree that the children would then fly home on their unicorns. Even as I recount this story, I cringe at my combination of mom-judgement and starry-eyed optimism. As our children grew older, Hubby and I quickly realized we had a choice – allow our children to have technology and have some semblance of a quiet meal, or not go out as a family. We proudly chose the former, and laugh at how naive we were back in the day. The truth is, for us being out together as a family is way more important than giving our kids a little bit of screen time…. and I’m not sorry about it.

    When N was born, I grew much more confident in myself as a mother and had a better idea of what he needed, which was a stark comparison to the constant worry and fear of being a new parent with J. This newfound conviction became helpful when I took N for his one-year checkup. Our pediatrician (who we love and trust more than anything) was on her own maternity leave. So he was seen by another doctor. At the time, N was only babbling three incoherent words instead of the benchmark of five. I wasn’t concerned as J was a later talker, and N was on track to do the same. The doctor however was extremely concerned, stating that he wanted numerous follow-up appointments to check on N’s language. He even went as far as to say that I should withhold his milk until he said the word milk. Clearly, he was not a parent. I remember leaving the appointment and calling Hubby, telling him if I was a first-time parent I would have been through the roof with worry. However, as a second-time parent, I was less concerned. This is not to say that second, third, or fourth children don’t bring us worries. It just means that we are somewhat more confident in our decisions and care less about what others think about them.

    It turns out the judgiest people are two very different groups of people: those who don’t have kids and other moms. Non-parents are the ones who want to dole out unsolicited advice and judgement. The “when I have kids….” crowd love to talk about all the ways they are going to be a better parent. They have grandiose ideas about how children should be raised, and what they should eat, play, and say. I will be the first to admit that I was one of them. When I was pregnant I knew all the things I wanted to do with my kids, how I wanted to raise them, and things I wouldn’t let them do. How quickly that changed when I became a mother. As parents, if we aren’t careful we can fall down a very dark hole of self-doubt. The messages from media, our Facebook moms group, our social circle, social media, and the random lady in the mall are all talking in our head. The only way to avoid this is to be secure in our decisions, which is a near-impossible task.

    On the topic of mom’s groups, they are up there as being the worst offenders. Facebook groups that are meant to help moms support one another can quickly devolve into a group of judgemental, hate-mongering sociopaths. Anyone who is a part of these groups knows I am not exaggerating with this description. These moms, who hide behind their keyboards, love to shame other moms about their decisions and beliefs when they don’t jive with their own. These moms want to tear others down to feel better about themselves. I am certain it all stems from insecurity in some way, shape or form. These groups are not for the faint of heart, and definitely not for those who are insecure about their parenting. Why do we even join these groups? Maybe we are all gluttons for punishment or are just looking for the silver lining in people. There is a great Similac ad about how judgemental moms can be towards each other. I’m linking it here if you haven’t seen it, as it’s definitely worth a watch. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUbGHeZCxe4)

    We have all been there – where the little voice in our head judges other’s decisions. It’s human nature. We are constantly evaluating what others are doing, the choices they have made, and the expected outcomes. That’s part of how we decide what is going to work for us once we are in that same position. It is part of the learning process, as we can potentially see a decision through to the end before we need to make one for ourselves. But it is so easy to judge others in a negative light. I have done the same thing many times, and I’ll be the first to admit it. I think there is some level of comfort being on the judging side, as opposed to the judged. I would caution you though that we need to stop and ask ourselves if it is really serving its purpose – is it making us feel better? Chances are it isn’t.

    If I had $1 for every time I did something I said I’d never do as a parent or did something that other people said I shouldn’t do, I could have retired by now. Solids at four months, solids at six months, no screen time before two years, sleep-train, don’t sleep-train, let them cry, never let them cry, make sure you say this…. never say that…. don’t let them do this… make sure they do that…. The truth is that once you become a parent, you start to understand what works for you and what doesn’t. And let me tell you, it very rarely is what everyone else says you should do. I can admit now that parenting is completely different than what I thought it would be like. So I will get off my high horse and admit that I have judged others for their decisions, and I will never do it again.

    This is Life. Love, Mom.