Category: Momming

I Love My Children, But….

It is no surprise that most of our friends and acquaintances are parents. It wasn’t really planned that way, but that’s how life turned out. A few days ago, Hubby and I were catching up with a friend. We were talking about having our kids returned to school and needing space from them for everyone’s benefit. He said something that stuck with me, as it truly reflected my own feelings. He said, “I LOVE my kids, but I want to LIKE them as well”. To me, this made a lot of sense. As parents, no one would doubt how much we love our kids. There is very little doubt about how much we would do for our kids, and what they mean to us. I would step in front of a train for my children. But sometimes, gosh, they are not very likable.

It takes a lot to admit that there are times I need space from my kids. There is a lot of guilt and shame put on parents who think this – from society. Aren’t we supposed to love our kids unconditionally, aren’t we supposed to relish in every single moment and never want to be away from them? How could we ever fathom being apart?? When they were younger other moms would ask me about my thoughts on daycare. I would explain that I love my children, but I’m open to other people loving my children too.

Because the time I spend with them should be positive. As much as possible I want to be able to enjoy our interactions. And truth be told, there are times when my judgement is clouded because I am so frustrated.

Like many other parents, I have enough quips and one-liners to write a book. N, in particular, is full of them. He’s not saying them to be particularly sassy, but more in a matter-of-fact kind of way. He is our lawyer and will say whatever is on his mind – often times trying to argue his way out of things. For example, when I stated that I didn’t want to repeat myself again, he kindly pointed out that I “just did, so it’s too late”. Or when I told him I’m tired of asking him to do something he replied that perhaps I should “just go take a nap”. Looking back on those comments I can laugh because the truth is they are hilarious. However, at the moment they are definitely less than funny.

Hubby has told me on numerous occasions I need to loosen up. He says that I am wound very tight when it comes to the children and that I can come across as being very short with them. This is a constant struggle for me, as I want to be the easy-going, laissez-faire kind of parent… but if you have read any of my previous posts you know that could not be further from the truth. The truth is that I need a break sometimes. Self-reflection and self-awareness have taught me that can be in the form of hiding in the pantry and counting to 10.

I am lucky that the kids are old enough that they will be okay in those 10 seconds…. not like when they were toddlers and 10 seconds of silence meant mayhem was occurring in the other room.

As I go through this post, I reflect on what the purpose is – what it is that I am trying to convey. Sometimes I feel like these topics are glorified brain-dumps. A string of consciousness tied together by a thin line. But the irony is that is probably the most reflective of a mom-brain. Twenty-five different tabs open and running simultaneously… but I digress. The truth is, that I am hoping to shed light on a stigma that has plagued us for far too long. The idea that our children are always full of rainbows and sunshine and that we shall love them and want to be around them every waking minute is fraught with mistruths. We can be great parents AND need space from our kids sometimes. These ideas are not mutually exclusive, even if we are led to believe that they are. Thinking so doesn’t make us bad parents – it makes us human.

This is life. Love, Mom.

March 21, 2022
The Invisible Mother

The other day, I was listening to a podcast about motherhood and mental health, and a discussion about the following quote by Glennon Doyle rocked me:

“Mothers have martyred themselves in their children’s names since the beginning of time. We have lived as if she who disappears the most, loves the most. We have been conditioned to prove our love by slowly ceasing to exist.

What a terrible burden for children to bear—to know that they are the reason their mother stopped living. What a terrible burden for our daughters to bear—to know that if they choose to become mothers, this will be their fate, too. Because if we show them that being a martyr is the highest form of love, that is what they will become. They will feel obligated to love as well as their mothers loved, after all. They will believe they have permission to live only as fully as their mothers allowed themselves to live.

If we keep passing down the legacy of martyrdom to our daughters, with whom does it end? Which woman ever gets to live? And when does the death sentence begin? At the wedding altar? In the delivery room? Whose delivery room—our children’s or our own? When we call martyrdom love we teach our children that when love begins, life ends. This is why Jung suggested: There is no greater burden on a child than the unlived life of a parent.”
Glennon Doyle “Untamed”

What struck me more than the quote itself was how controversial it was. The podcaster and her two guests had differing opinions on it. One understood why people might have an issue with the quote. Another was saddened by the fact that it was controversial in the first place. After the podcast finished, I read it over and over, trying to make sense of it. What was it that stuck with me? Resonated with me so viscerally?

This isn’t the first time I have spoken about women and the role of motherhood. The impossible task of trying to be everything for everyone. I should clarify before I go any further, that I fully both recognize and appreciate that many fathers feel this in their role, as well. I know that the feeling of martyrdom for the sake of our children is not strictly reserved for mothers. However, society has engineered a situation where mothers are the most at risk. The first part of the quote is the one that makes me the saddest. The idea that we are teaching that when “love begins, life ends” is one that is hard to grapple with. It isn’t to say that being a mother isn’t important, or that your life had changed for the better when it happens because that is true. But there is a societal expectation that the two cannot happen in unison. Somehow we have equated the level of sacrifice with the level of love. Somehow as a society, we feel that mothers who give up more of themselves are those who love their children more. If this is true, working mothers are at an immediate disadvantage by doing something that isn’t directly linked to their children.

One thing is clear – how we live and make decisions most definitely rubs off on our children. Our actions show our daughters how they should (and shouldn’t) behave once they are mothers. It shows our sons what to expect of the mothers of their children. (Again, a caveat: I am talking on a visceral level about the roles of mothers, and am not meaning to disregard other forms of families). One thing I love to do with J is put together furniture. She has become quite adept at it, even putting together items on her own. If you ask her my thoughts on it, she will repeat my sentiments which are that society believes women need to ask men for help to do things like that, but she won’t need to ask anyone for help because she will be able to do things for herself. It brings me so much joy to hear her say that – to know that she can relish in her independence.

As a society, we are getting better at telling women that they can do things on their own. That being a woman should not stifle her. Being a wife does not have to define her. And being a mother does not have to limit her. And yet, there continues to be an indignity associated with women who want more than just motherhood or want to also define themselves by their careers and/or passion projects. It is as though doing so will make them less of a mother.

There is an unspoken shame that many women feel when they cannot be everything in every situation. You cannot give 100% to your children and 100% to your career simultaneously. It is physically, mentally, and mathematically impossible. And yet, I sit here wondering why do we not hear the term “working father”? Why is this definition solely reserved for women? Again, because women are set up to make impossible decisions. One that we have made to be synonymous with how much we love our children. One that is meant to pit our own self-identity against that of our identity that is tied into others – being a wife, being a mother, or being an employee.

What is the most difficult about all of this, is how hard it is to change. We can begin to have these discussions for ourselves, but breaking down years and years of society’s norms and beliefs is much easier said than done. This is not an overnight turnaround. We are stuck on this hamster wheel… spinning and spinning….. The only solution is as far as I see it, is a long-term one where we teach our sons and daughters that they can do better. We teach our daughters to be defined by the roles THEY create, and not by one single event or experience. We need to do better for them.

This is life. Love, Mom.

February 21, 2022
Resolutions: The Promises We Love To Hate, And Hate To Keep

Happy New Year! I cannot believe that another year has flown by. I know it is cliche to say, but it truly feels like we blinked and the year came to a close. I think it’s because we spent so much time inside, and crossing our fingers that things will improve. Cheers to making it through the past year, and getting ready for the one ahead. I have a lot coming down the pipes. A lot of change is happening this year, and I am looking forward to some amazing opportunities. I can’t wait to share as things unfold.

A new year is synonymous with our resolve to do be and be better. We often talk about our resolutions to make this year the best one yet. Resolutions are a funny kind of magic. Every year, on January 1, we make a promise to ourselves to change something. Whatever it is, it is usually something we have been thinking about for quite some time. Resolutions aren’t decisions we make on a whim. They are the “thing” that we most want to change about our lives: get healthier, work less, find more balance, do yoga, travel… the bucket list goes on and on. These are the things we want to do but are being stopped from doing in some way, shape or form. Maybe the timing is wrong, maybe the motivation just isn’t there, or there are too many work commitments. There is always a reason why it can’t happen in July, October, or December.

And then comes magical January 1st. The shiny date of eternal optimism. The promise of a new year and all the potential that it holds. We can do anything on January 1st! We can accomplish all our goals! Anything we set our minds to! We are SUPER PEOPLE! January 1st makes things easy – we can eat all the kale, do all the push-ups, and dream-board all the vacations.

January 2nd, however… that is a whole other story. This is when our reality sets in, and we realize we are in it for the long haul. Those bright shiny goals and dreams begin to turn into work. We have to hold ourselves accountable to the goals we set just a day before. We cannot give up so soon.

Now before you stop reading and think that this is the most pessimistic blog post ever, hear me out. Where you think this is going is not necessarily where we will end up. Which, ironically, is exactly what happens with resolutions. By designating a specific day for change, and hoping that we will maintain a new mindset for 365 days, we are setting ourselves up to fail. I’m not saying change isn’t possible, or that goal-setting isn’t important, because neither of those things is true. But don’t forget – the definition of insanity Is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. If, historically, we have trouble keeping our resolutions why do we set them every year? Why do we think that somehow THIS January 1st will be different?

Instead, I propose a different mindset. Do you. Be you. Do what makes you happy. Endeavour to better yourself physically, mentally, socially, or academically. But don’t tie it to a magical date and expect to follow it for 12 months. Instead set short-term goals with attainable timelines. But don’t wait for the beginning of the year. Start any day! Strive to vision-board your long-term goals and do all the things. But don’t set a year-long timeline. Make them any length! Goals are meant to be ever-changing, evolving, and growing with us. We don’t need to put ourselves in the “new years resolution” box. By doing so, we set ourselves up to be disappointed. There is too much pressure tied into these resolutions, and we simply end up waiting until the following year to start again.

So for the next 12 months, in a year that is already setting up to be a doozy, let’s take it day-by-day. Let’s set goals that are meaningful and attainable, and work towards them one day at a time. Let’s be kind to ourselves and give ourselves grace. Will I be doing this all the time? Absolutely not. Is this easier to type than follow through on? You’d better believe it. But I’m trying, just like everyone else.

This is life. Love, Mom.

January 3, 2022
How To Become A Pinterest Mom

The idea of a Pinterest mom is simple, really. You spend your free time making Halloween costumes, organizing your home with countless woven baskets, baking healthy meals from scratch and making school lunches filled with cucumbers shaped like flowers and sandwiches shaped like zoo animals. No outing is too small for full makeup and polished hair. You have everything together, and show off your impeccable fashion sense in perfectly curated social media posts. You make weekly trips to your local craft store to stock up on DIY projects you will do with your kids. This is the 21st-century reincarnation of an idea that has been around since the beginning of time.

There are so many women who wish their lives looked more like a page out of a magazine (or social media square). They want their home to be impeccable, all facets of life to be perfect, and be able to do it all (and do it all perfectly). I’m here today to spill the secret of how to evolve into this ethereal being. So want to know how? Step 1: It will not happen 100% of the time. Step 2: Find a new dream.

If this all sounds ridiculous, we can now be friends. The truth is, we may (or may not) have elements of this in all of us. We might be good at one aspect of our lives and struggling in others. To some extent, this insanity goes both ways. I know women who are amazing at certain things but get embarrassed when it is pointed out. Instead of celebrating our accomplishments, we minimize them to avoid feeling boastful or braggy. This shouldn’t be the case either! I have friends who sew their children’s Halloween costumes from scratch. I have friends to make their own snacks. I, myself try and bake when I can. But I also have friends who run out on October 30 to find a Halloween costume for their kids and those who stock up on snacks when there’s a sale at Walmart. Does one or the other make them bad mothers? Absolutely not! Each judge themselves for what they canning can’t do? Probably to some extent.

Truly, though, why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we put so many unrealistic expectations on ourselves, and then feel awful when we don’t live up to them? In theory, we should be happy with our lives and not worry about what others think. But everyone knows that is not actually true. It is so much easier said than done to brush things off and say that we don’t care. Now let me be clear, I do know that some people genuinely don’t care and more power to them. But these women are the unicorns of our society.

So why is the judgement of others so important to us? Why is our happiness affected by how others perceive our accomplishments, and how effectively we have our shit together? As the “judger”, it is a bit easier to explain. The psychology behind this is that we judge one another because we have inadequacies in ourselves. Those who judge others’ decisions are projecting their feelings onto others.

And I can see how this is true, but what does it say about how we judge ourselves? What does it say about how we worry that we will be judged by others? The thinking is a defence mechanism of sorts. We plan for what others might think so we can know how to react. Or we judge ourselves first before anyone else gets a chance to. But why can’t we just be confident and have THAT be projected onto others? Tell anyone who thinks otherwise where they can go….? There is a saying that we are our own worst critics, and this fits well here.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am not perfect. There are areas that I want to improve, for sure. But there is no way I can be everything to everyone. It is just mathematically impossible to give 100% in more than one place. My house will never be spotless (unless I’ve just finished a rage-cleaning binge). My kids will eat pre-packaged snacks. My life will not look like a Pinterest board.

Most days, I am okay with this. I focus on the positives and what I AM able to accomplish on that day. I shrug off my own insecurities and try not to be bothered by others. But other days are darker. I look at others’ social media through green eyes. I am jealous of those who can do more, do better, accomplish things I cannot. I judge myself before others can “get to me”. It creeps into my dreams and wakes me up at night. I have been told by others that I am rather outspoken, sometimes without a filter. That I can share my thoughts with others and I am not afraid of judgement. I can put on a tough shell, and pretend I am invincible. But in reality that is just not the case. What we see is rarely what we get. And I think THAT is the point. I would like to imagine that even “Pinterest moms” have those insecure days. Because it will never be enough and no one will ever truly have it all together, even if it looks that way through our lens. The sooner we realize this, the happier we probably will be.

Social Comparison Theory proposes that we determine our worth by comparing ourselves to others. In fact according to Psychology Today, as much as 10% of our thoughts are comparison in nature. Did that surprise you? There are days when I feel like it’s more… The point is that no one is immune to this struggle and we are all fighting it in our own way. So what is the answer? Just like the secret to becoming the perfect mom – there isn’t one. It is human nature to judge ourselves and compare ourselves to others. That can be a motivator or a deterrent – do we want to use it to push ourselves out of our comfort zone and try something new, or is it worth it to bother? I think that happiness lies not in trying to ignore these comparisons or brush them aside, but in harnessing them and using them to motivate us to be better. To try something new, cook a new dish, read a new book, or redecorate with a new rug – not perfect (because nothing should be), but better.

This is not to say that this is working for me, and I can tell you that it will definitely be easier to adopt this mindset on good days over the darker ones. But, I will give it a try.

This is life. Love, Mom.

November 22, 2021
On Wednesdays We Wear Pink

Once upon a time, there was a movie about a girl who was homeschooled, trying to fit into the jungle that is high school. If you are familiar with the title of this blog, it’s surely because you have watched (and probably rewatched) the movie “Mean Girls”. There is a reason the movie resonated with so many. Even though it was released in 2004, it feels like it could have been yesterday. The story is not a new one, it is about the trials and tribulations of high school and how to get along when you feel lost socially. It’s about how to stand up for yourself, and if your social status is determined by the “in” crowd. It isn’t the first of its kind, and it is definitely not the last. We all have our social horror stories from our time in school. No one left those years unscathed in some way, shape, or form. The truth is, the movie truly struck a chord with so many girls because we could see ourselves in one of the characters.

In speaking with friends, it is apparent that these social situations are happening at an earlier and earlier age. This is especially true of those who have girls. It used to be that “mean girls” and the like were reserved for high school. Finding your place in the world, in society, and social circles comes to a head around that time. However, social difficulties between girls, in particular, are happening at a younger and younger age. I have countless stories of difficulties between my grade 4 students over the years. These are situations where girls are purposely and maliciously mean, unkind, and exclusionary – things that you wouldn’t necessarily expect of 9- and 10-year-olds.

Before I go on, I want to make an important point. I don’t want to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are the only ones who deal with social difficulties. I know that with the rise of social media, emotional and social-based bullying is prevalent across all genders. I, however, it should be said that typically boys deal with disagreements in more of a physical manner whereas girls attack each other emotionally and socially. This is obviously not true for everyone but it is historically the pattern.

Going through middle school and high school I can recall several situations that would be categorized as “mean girl activity“. I remember the rise of three-way calling in the 90s as the weapon of choice for many girls. Two girls would collude to call a third without her knowing that someone was listening on the line. The first girl would get the other to say something mean about the third without her knowing that she was listening. What pursued was a barrage of attacks, as the “truth came out”. Admittedly, I was both the perpetrator and victim of this behaviour. It got to the point that girls would become paranoid whenever they received a phone call, asking numerous times if anyone else was listening on the line. Sabotaging each other socially is the number one way girls get at each other. And truth be told, there was no rhyme or reason behind it. It was simply to play off each other and test the boundaries of what we could get away with. Girls attack and play on anxieties of being alone or becoming a social pariah.

“You know that I’m not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah, two years ago she told me hoops earrings were her thing, and I wasn’t allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hanukkah my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn’t even like them. It was so sad.”
Gretchen Wieners (Mean Girls)

I was well into my teens when I began to truly understand the notion of quantity over quality when it came to friendships. This is a lesson that needs to be learned not to be taught and sometimes it’s a difficult one to stomach. Understanding that true friends are those who will truly be with you through thick and thin comes with the territory of going through those trials. Some of my best friends are those who I have known since elementary school because those bonds have stood the test of time.

As a mother of a young girl, I struggle with this immensely. I am proud to say that she is well-adjusted socially and typically well-liked by her peers. Up until this point, Hubby and I have done all of the managings of friendships – organizing play dates, birthday parties, zoom calls, etc. Now that she is older, she has significantly more autonomy over who she interacts with. Gone are the days when you should be friends with everyone in your class simply because you share a space with them. Yes, you must respect each other but you don’t necessarily have to form strong bonds. A few weeks ago, she came home to tell me she had planned a play date with her friends. She informed me of the time and day and all I had to do was take her there. This was the first time she had organized something on her own and I was happy to oblige.

It is not all rainbows and sunshine though. And this is where I truly struggle. There are, of course, girls she is friends with whom I would not choose for her. Let me be frank and say I disagree with how they are brought up and how they interact in social situations. I worry that she may be influenced to try the things these girls do, even if just to see what it is like. I will say that this is a whole other can of worms for me to open up on another day. There are also girls with whom she does not get along. Not for any other reason that these girls lack social graces and verbal filters. It takes everything in me to not get involved when she tells me that girls in her class have said rude things to her. She lets these comments roll off her back, and sometimes has a witty retort for the other girl. I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of these things and I want to protect her with all my heart. I also know that these are paths she has to travel through on her own. With my map ideally, but without me in the driver’s seat.

So how, as a mom, do you reconcile having your child do things on their own and wanting to protect them at all costs? How do you find the balance between knowing how kids can be and letting them forge their own path? All I want for her is to be a strong, confident girl. And she is, but I don’t want her to lose that at the hands of a peer. Knowing how girls can be, and knowing how mean they are to one another, how do I arm her with the social wherewithal to stand up for herself and not let things take up space in her head? Really, at the end of the day, all we can do is teach our girls to be strong-willed, strong-minded, and thick-skinned. We can build them up before others tear them down. We can give them the language to speak up and talk back. And we can pray that the Regina George’s of the world don’t get into their heads. Otherwise one day mama-bear is going to come out swingin’.

This is life. Love, Mom.

November 8, 2021
How To Be A Partner In Education Even If You Aren’t A Mindreader

Our children spend six and a half hours a day in school. For those who are not mathematically inclined, that’s over thirty hours a week. That is a lot of time to be learning and growing and evolving without parents truly knowing the specifics of what happened in the day. And yet, we are often left wondering how we can do more at home, and support what is being taught. Are they grasping concepts? With the learning lag of online school still very much at the forefront, many parents are worried that they need to provide extra attention to learning, These questions are magnified by not really knowing what our children are doing during the day. What ARE they learning? What concepts are being covered? When the typical response to “what did you learn today” is either “I don’t know” or “stuff”, how can you even be effective?

As a teacher, one of the most frequently asked questions is how to support children at home. Let it be said that I definitely don’t have all the answers. I do know that parents typically fall into one of two categories; those who are over-involved and those who are under-involved. Why is that the case? Because as we know with everything else in life, striking a balance is next to impossible. So why should supporting our children’s education be anything different?

Instead, we inherently swing towards one of the extremes and wonder how to ease off the gas a bit more. I wanted to provide some basic tips and tricks for how to support children. These are things that teachers wish parents knew, and are easy to implement. The best part is that you don’t need to know what concepts are being covered to start!

Everything starts at home, the night before. We have all heard of the importance of a good night’s sleep and I’m sure that many of you have bedtime routines down pat at this point… I’m certain more so for parental sanity than well-rested children wink. What I am referring to is before bedtime. In an effort to engage our children, many of them are over-programmed. Extra-curricular activities are important, don’t get me wrong. However, having a different activity every night of the week is a LOT. Every child is different, and where some can handle only one activity per week, others may be able to handle more. It’s important to remember that having multiple commitments can cause anxiety in children. I have had many conversations with students who have said they are unable to complete things at home or feel that they have too much going on because they have activities almost every day. This is a prime example of the importance of open dialogue between children and parents. This is not to say that the child who does not want to practice piano (cough cough my own child) gets to opt-out, but we do discuss the number of weekly commitments together.

The use of an agenda is a fabulous tool. When our children are young, they are a great way to communicate with the teacher or vice versa. This helps to cut down on the unknowns of the day. When children are older, it is a great time-management tool. Unfortunately, many schools have paused the use of agendas due to Covid, as they try to minimize the items going back and forth from school. If you already have an agenda system in place, make sure to use it, and model for older children (grades 3+) how it can be helpful. Reviewing the agenda daily, and initialling it so that teacher can see you have read it is an easy start. If there is no agenda system in place, reach out to the homeroom teacher and see what the best form of communication is for weekly reminders, special days and upcoming assignments and assessments. This may look like a virtual newsletter, an email system, or even a virtual classroom. Don’t leave it to your child to tell you where to find the day-to-day information. That being said, no matter what the system, please do not expect the teacher to record verbatim what has happened in the day, as that is just not feasible.

Reading at home is so important. This can be a bit of a no-brainer in theory but can be difficult to tackle in practice. When our kids are younger, we often read together with them; help them sound out the words or look for picture clues. As children get older and are more independent, parents do not always know the books they are reading (I mean, has anyone really had the time to pick up the most recent DogMan book??). This begs the question – how do you support reading? The good news for parents is that as students enter the end of primary and into junior grades, reading is more about explaining your understanding and less about your oral fluency. Talking about reading at home is the number one tip I give all parents of the students I teach. This means we need to talk about reading with our children, and always encourage them to support their thinking. These mini conversations can take place in the car on the way to school, at the dinner table, or right before bed. They do not have to be formal assessments.

Simply ask what their favourite part is so far, what they think is going to happen next, or which character is they can relate to the best and then ask WHY. This is an area of need for all children (and especially gifted thinkers). Encouraging children to give more than a one-word answer, and think about supporting their thinking will give them a leg-up not just in literacy but in all subjects. I recognize that this assumes our children actually read at home, which I know many do not. The good news is that these conversations can be about any subject (space, chocolate cake, or Pokemon) – the key is in the WHY.

The last point I want to cover is to ask children how they are feeling. This year, more so than others, brings with it a lot of anxiety. Whether children are back in the class, still online, or back and forth, there are a multitude of feelings. Taking time to ask children how they are doing, and giving them both the tools and the outlets to truly express it are imperative. I can tell you that 99% of children will not just walk up to a parent and articulate perfectly how they are feeling (nor would 99% of adults for that matter). Asking children to journal, mindmap, or colour a picture of their day are all ways that can help you understand how they are doing without a formal conversation. Check-ins will help gauge how they are doing with all the changes and uncertainty of the year. Just as our mental health is important, so is theirs. As they cannot necessarily advocate for themselves it is our job to ask questions to help them process. If there is interest, I can definitely go into this more in a later post.

The only thing you definitely cannot do is read minds. Although we may want to, we cannot be flies on the wall in the classroom. Even as a 4th-grade teacher with a child in a grade 4 classroom, I STILL don’t know what she is doing on the daily. We all struggle with this. We will never know exactly what happened in the day but we can try to give children some tools to help them get through, And trust me, your child’s teacher will thank you. I know I would.

This is life. Love, Mom.

October 25, 2021
Where Did I Land My Helicopter?

As cliche as it sounds, there is nothing harder, yet more fulfilling than being a parent. There are so many times I pinch myself, wondering who gave me the responsibility of raising children. Not that I’m not capable, but to some extent we were children, and now we are responsible for our own children. So many parents lament “if only there were a handbook…..” or wonder if they can google “how to raise my kids”. It can be hard to find yourself in the ebb and flow of parenting. Not to mention, what is good for one child is rarely the same for the next. There needs to be a balance between being the “helicopter” parent and letting our children just figure things out on their own. Neither at its extreme is helpful or rational, but it isn’t easy to find that middle ground. There is nothing we want more than to keep our kids safe, and to have them become good humans…. but how we get there is a bit of a mystery. We know the final destination, but the roadmap is nowhere to be found.

No one would argue that being a helicopter parent is a good idea, for both the parent and the child. In case you are not familiar with this term, a helicopter parent does not let their child out of their sight. The constant micromanaging, worrying, hovering over your child, and keeping them close is not ideal. The fear is that they will be hurt, or put in a dangerous situation. So the antidote is to ensure that you are constantly there to protect them. However, in doing so it leaves little room to allow them to make mistakes.

It also makes transitions to school and programs quite difficult (usually more so for the parent than the child). As much as we want, we cannot go through life holding their hands, or encasing them in bubble wrap.

And to be clear, the opposite is no better. The idea that children should simply learn by experiencing life, and from their mistakes is fraught with issues, as well. Yes, children should learn life lessons, and get the bumps and scrapes that come with growing up. As a teacher, I can appreciate that learning certain skills on your own is much more valuable than having them explained to you. Coming to understand the world through natural consequences is indeed important. Working through experiences, building resilience, and figuring out right from wrong are all invaluable lessons. But, by being completely hands-off, children lose the attachment to parental figures that is so important. And the question is – are we putting them in unnecessary situations? Are they learning lessons they shouldn’t need to learn? The argument becomes if we CAN protect them, why shouldn’t we?

With all this back and forth swirling around in our heads, and the whispers of every parenting expert in our ear, what is the answer? What path will yield the best result? All we know is we want our children to be the best they can be; to grow up to be good, self-sufficient, kind human beings. As mothers, there is an inherent fear that we are constantly messing up our kids. I myself am guilty of this, as well. Decisions are met with self-doubt, questioning, and rationalization. Should I have let them do their own thing? Did I not step up enough? Was the best decision made for the situation? These questions are coupled with the nagging notion that each decision holds more weight than it truly does. As if we are one decision away from permanently messing up our children. Of course, in hindsight, this is rarely the case, but it doesn’t feel like that at the time.

Interestingly, before I had children I often thought I would be more relaxed (I mean, didn’t we all??). I didn’t think I would be so worried all the time – specifically about the kids hurting themselves or becoming ill. And yet, here I am. I want them to be good, do good, and feel good. I want them to stand up for themselves and be respectful. I want them to be safe and secure. But I struggle with how best to execute this. I have had my “helicopter” moments, and let me tell you there are more of them than I’d really care to admit. The idea of them falling (either proverbially or physically) and not being there to catch them is daunting. I know that this feeling was heightened when J became very ill and was hospitalized at 2 years of age. I won’t get into it now, but I will in future posts. There is a delicate balance between keeping them safe and allowing them the opportunity to learn on their own, and admittedly I don’t know the formula.

So can you imagine what happens when you throw Covid into the mix? The mystery that has plagued communities for the better part of two years has sent us all into hyperdrive trying to protect our children. Teaching them to wear masks, sanitize their hands, sneeze into their elbows, and inform adults when the sniffles are “just allergies” (when they truly are, of course!) has taken over our lives. We are left with the question, how can we protect our children if we haven’t yet figured out how to protect ourselves? Yes, we are making headway, but there is still a ways to go. Now let’s be clear – I am not using this platform to delve into the vaccine or mask debate. There is too much there to unpack, and I don’t think a one-off blog post is a place to do it. But, of course, these are other questions that are constantly top-of-mind. The whole situation would send any sane parent into overdrive, wondering how best to ensure their child’s safety.

These are thoughts that continue to plague me, especially since September is already here. Maybe that’s part of the balance I struggle to find as a parent. What I DO know is that Covid has hit those who question their parenting, who don’t want to hover but cannot bear to look away… This is not to say that we have all had our own struggles because of this pandemic. But as we enter another school year, I know that the parents I talk to are all worried about the same thing – how can we keep them safe when we can’t see them all day? How do we keep them healthy when we have no control over the environment they are in? There is an element of letting go that is involved in sending our children off to school that is difficult to grasp – even for parents who are more hands-off than the rest.

If I’m being candid and honest, I’m not entirely sure what I want to impart in this post. I began writing this because I wanted to grapple with my babies returning to school, and the extra layer that Covid has added. Having been home last year altogether, sending them out into the world again is frightening. I want them to have the most normal of experience in what is the most abnormal of circumstances. All the while, I want to keep them safe. So when I find my helicopter, we can all jump in together and hover over our children. At least for the near future until we can see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

But this is life. Love, Mom

September 27, 2021
My Peloton And I: A Love Story

Pandemic life has been hard on everyone. It doesn’t matter if you are single, in a relationship, a parent, working from home, working remotely, or unemployed. We have all had our own journeys to go through. This pandemic will be taught in school for years to come – that our kids will talk about with their kids. For many, this has been one of the hardest seasons to get through, for a variety of reasons. Access to daily necessities have been increasingly difficult (umm hello toilet-paper-gate 2021??) and life as we know it, has changed. We will all be masked for the near future, and stock for Purell will continue to rise. Exercise and access to physical fitness were one of the areas of our lives that took a hit. Depending on your mindset and mental state, this could have been either a positive or negative change.

This love story began in February 2021 when our bike came. Actually… it started earlier when Hubby suggested a Peloton and I scoffed at how expensive it was. He talked about this bike that he had heard of – that there were on-demand rides and you could spin with other people. I loved the idea but couldn’t understand why it was necessary. At the time, I had been the equivalent of a couch-hermit, not participating in very much activity. Prior to Covid, I was doing kickboxing workouts 4-5 times a week and was in the best shape I had been in years. I felt good both physically and mentally. But then, we went into viral lockdown and everything diminished for me. So, the idea that we could park something in our basement and access workouts on demand was definitely appealing, but daunting.

A simple Google search will tell you that this all makes sense. You can read article after article that explains the positive correlation between exercise and positive mental health. Experts all agree that movement is paramount to improving mental outlook. It reduces stress, improves cortisol, creates endorphins, and lowers blood pressure. However, it is NOT magic. It is not a switch that you can easily flip and rainbows will form overhead. For those who struggle to get out of dark places, it is hard to get going. I remember having numerous conversations with both Hubby and my mother about feeling stuck in a cycle. I felt so tired, and I knew that if I incorporated exercise I would feel better, but I felt too exhausted to even start. My brain and my body were not in sync. Even though I knew what might help me, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I feel so fortunate for my amazing support network, who listened, and encouraged, and helped me dig myself out.

I started my first ride a few days after the bike was delivered. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I did a 20-minute Tabata ride without a true understanding of what that actually meant, and quite literally felt like I had died. I couldn’t make it up the stairs and Hubby couldn’t understand why I started that way (in hindsight I have no idea either!). But I decided to go back the next day, and the day after that. I hadn’t realized initially that Peloton was not just spinning. I love that I have access to other classes, too. When I started feeling very sore, I began adding yoga routines in the evening. It’s even gotten so that I can’t fall asleep properly if I haven’t done even a small yoga class.

What I didn’t understand then, that I do now, is there is no price tag too expensive for your mental health. feel so much stronger both mentally and physically after 6 months. It’s a change in mindset and an embracing of my positive energy. It’s putting myself first for 20-30 mins a day and ensuring the endorphins carry me through. I love that my children can watch me on the bike (with headphones for those explicit classes, ha!) and see the importance of moving your body. When I was set to hit 100 rides, they were so excited, and it was so amazing to see. More so than the signs they made or the fact that they were cheering me on, was the fact that they were able to see that this milestone was a big deal. I want to be able to instill those healthy habits in them.

So now I am working towards my next 100 rides, my next 100 strength classes, and my next 100 yoga classes. It won’t happen overnight but I am confident that I am going to keep at this. It isn’t just for myself anymore. I want to show my kids that not giving up working towards a goal and putting yourself first all make you stronger. It makes me a better mother, a better wife, and a more sane human. Cheers to the next 100!

This is life. Love, Mom.

A small disclaimer: I do want to take a moment to say that I am well aware of the privilege that goes along with this post. I know that machines like this are not accessible for everyone. I feel so very fortunate to be able to not only write about this but access it daily. I want to add that there are many machines and apps that are less of a financial commitment and can be game-changers. This is what worked for me, and I am so happy to share that it has.

August 30, 2021
Excuse Me While I Step Off My High Horse
When J was a baby, Hubby and I took a family trip to Florida. On our first night there, we went to a restaurant with my parents. After a few moments, a couple walked in with their three children. Each child was holding their own device and proceeded to play on them while they waited for their food. Hubby and I looked at each other and immediately agreed that we would never be like that. When we went out, our kids would sit and colour and we would have meaningful family conversations. I guess we neglected to agree that the children would then fly home on their unicorns. Even as I recount this story, I cringe at my combination of mom-judgement and starry-eyed optimism. As our children grew older, Hubby and I quickly realized we had a choice – allow our children to have technology and have some semblance of a quiet meal, or not go out as a family. We proudly chose the former, and laugh at how naive we were back in the day. The truth is, for us being out together as a family is way more important than giving our kids a little bit of screen time…. and I’m not sorry about it.
When N was born, I grew much more confident in myself as a mother and had a better idea of what he needed, which was a stark comparison to the constant worry and fear of being a new parent with J. This newfound conviction became helpful when I took N for his one-year checkup. Our pediatrician (who we love and trust more than anything) was on her own maternity leave. So he was seen by another doctor. At the time, N was only babbling three incoherent words instead of the benchmark of five. I wasn’t concerned as J was a later talker, and N was on track to do the same. The doctor however was extremely concerned, stating that he wanted numerous follow-up appointments to check on N’s language. He even went as far as to say that I should withhold his milk until he said the word milk. Clearly, he was not a parent. I remember leaving the appointment and calling Hubby, telling him if I was a first-time parent I would have been through the roof with worry. However, as a second-time parent, I was less concerned. This is not to say that second, third, or fourth children don’t bring us worries. It just means that we are somewhat more confident in our decisions and care less about what others think about them.

It turns out the judgiest people are two very different groups of people: those who don’t have kids and other moms. Non-parents are the ones who want to dole out unsolicited advice and judgement. The “when I have kids….” crowd love to talk about all the ways they are going to be a better parent. They have grandiose ideas about how children should be raised, and what they should eat, play, and say. I will be the first to admit that I was one of them. When I was pregnant I knew all the things I wanted to do with my kids, how I wanted to raise them, and things I wouldn’t let them do. How quickly that changed when I became a mother. As parents, if we aren’t careful we can fall down a very dark hole of self-doubt. The messages from media, our Facebook moms group, our social circle, social media, and the random lady in the mall are all talking in our head. The only way to avoid this is to be secure in our decisions, which is a near-impossible task.

On the topic of mom’s groups, they are up there as being the worst offenders. Facebook groups that are meant to help moms support one another can quickly devolve into a group of judgemental, hate-mongering sociopaths. Anyone who is a part of these groups knows I am not exaggerating with this description. These moms, who hide behind their keyboards, love to shame other moms about their decisions and beliefs when they don’t jive with their own. These moms want to tear others down to feel better about themselves. I am certain it all stems from insecurity in some way, shape or form. These groups are not for the faint of heart, and definitely not for those who are insecure about their parenting. Why do we even join these groups? Maybe we are all gluttons for punishment or are just looking for the silver lining in people. There is a great Similac ad about how judgemental moms can be towards each other. I’m linking it here if you haven’t seen it, as it’s definitely worth a watch. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUbGHeZCxe4)
We have all been there – where the little voice in our head judges other’s decisions. It’s human nature. We are constantly evaluating what others are doing, the choices they have made, and the expected outcomes. That’s part of how we decide what is going to work for us once we are in that same position. It is part of the learning process, as we can potentially see a decision through to the end before we need to make one for ourselves. But it is so easy to judge others in a negative light. I have done the same thing many times, and I’ll be the first to admit it. I think there is some level of comfort being on the judging side, as opposed to the judged. I would caution you though that we need to stop and ask ourselves if it is really serving its purpose – is it making us feel better? Chances are it isn’t.

If I had $1 for every time I did something I said I’d never do as a parent or did something that other people said I shouldn’t do, I could have retired by now. Solids at four months, solids at six months, no screen time before two years, sleep-train, don’t sleep-train, let them cry, never let them cry, make sure you say this…. never say that…. don’t let them do this… make sure they do that…. The truth is that once you become a parent, you start to understand what works for you and what doesn’t. And let me tell you, it very rarely is what everyone else says you should do. I can admit now that parenting is completely different than what I thought it would be like. So I will get off my high horse and admit that I have judged others for their decisions, and I will never do it again.

This is Life. Love, Mom.
August 23, 2021
Love Handles And Other Things We Hold On To

People like to talk about growth, and how life-changing new experiences can be. We preach the goodness of looking towards the future, and how the past is behind us. We all want to think that we value these learning experiences, and welcome them. Don’t get me wrong- these are all important ideas to value, and in many cases it is easier to look forward than back. But when it comes down to it, change is hard for most people, especially when that change is related to our most valuable possession – our bodies. We hold a picture in our minds of how we should look; based either on an idea or a past season of life. For many, this correlates to a size, weight, measurement, or another number. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we all want to be smaller, thinner or weigh less. It could mean we want to bulk up, gain muscle, or weigh more. But for whatever reason, how we look does not line up with how we feel about ourselves. There is often a nagging feeling that “if only” we could change something, or go back to the way we once were, we would be happier.

There is a special place in this hell of a landscape for mothers. Body image is a dangerous term. I would argue that for many, it may be one of the most emotionally charged terms in the English language. It is tied so tightly to so much more than just how we see ourselves. The mental ramifications of studying our bodies can be damning. The obsessing, seeing flaws, and urge to fix things is a slippery slope. As mothers in particular, society does us no favours. The same body that is praised for growing and bringing life into the world is quickly frowned upon for not “bouncing back” fast enough. We attach descriptives like glowing, radiant and healthy to pregnant bodies, and then turn around and call those same, postpartum bodies tired, flabby, and untoned.

The moment mothers give birth, the race is on to erase the stretch marks, tighten the love handles, and tone the core. Celebrities who leave the hospital looking runway-ready, or grace the cover of magazines in bikinis a mere months after giving birth, do us all a huge disservice. We look to how our bodies were before babies and yearn for those back, as if all it took was a time machine. We don’t relish the beauty and miracle that same body has given us.

In the spirit of transparency, I am equally guilty of this. I often think back to my pre-pregnancy body, and equate it with a number on the scale and a size of jeans. For a long time, I hid my stretch marks, even from myself. The body that grew two humans was not what I wanted it to be. Why is it I was able to carry two wonderful, healthy babies to term, and still judge the body that made it possible? Even to this day, I struggle with loving my outer shell. I have worn one-piece bathing suits since I was pregnant nine years ago, only bought a bikini last year… and I still don’t feel 100% confident in it. It is a journey and gets easier or harder depending on the season I am in. Anyone who says that social media, advertisements and popular culture have zero effect on them is in denial. Those people may have a stronger inner voice than others, but the messages (subliminal and overt) are constantly thrown at us. I have recently begun following several body-conscious influencers on Instagram to help inform my mindset. If you are looking for some, Sarah Nicole Landry (aka The Bird’s Papaya) is a great start. I feel fortunate that these women are making their voices heard, and have been embraced by others. There hasn’t always been a place for these stories, but they are slowly becoming louder and louder.

It is a unique form of torture we keep only for our deepest, darkest moments.

So why do we hold on to these ideals? These past images of ourselves? Keep clothes in our closet so we can wear them again eventually? Or perseverate on unrealistic goals that will somehow determine our self-worth? It is a unique form of torture we keep only for our deepest, darkest moments. Why is it so easy to preach self-love and self-care, but so difficult to exercise them? We tell each other to treat ourselves with grace and patience, yet it is so difficult to take our own advice. Society simultaneously tells women to be perfect versions of themselves, but also to take care of themselves and not worry about what others think. For my part, I have to commend Hubby for having my back. He often tells me to shake off the negative self-thoughts. There is a stark contrast between these polarizing ideas, and it is so difficult to meet somewhere in the middle. It would be so much easier to just say “screw it” and live for ourselves and not for others. It is just easier said than done.

Having a daughter has changed my outlook, though. With diet culture and social media barbies running rampant, I am acutely aware of the messages she is receiving. I know that as she grows, she will [continue to] be bombarded with print and television media ideas of what she should look like. I just don’t want those messages to come from me, too. I have always been conscious of not commenting on my weight in front of her. That is a private conversation I have inside my head. Those are the demons that I battle on my own time. J sees me exercising and hears me talking about eating healthy, but we always frame the conversation about how it is to keep our minds healthy and feel good about ourselves. We talk about makeup, and how I wear it for myself, and not to look beautiful for others. I stress the importance of doing things for ourselves to boost our positive vibrations, and not as a result of others’ judgements. The other day she commented on my stretch marks, and I told her we should come up with a magic word for them because they magically appeared when she was born. Did I believe it when I said it? Honestly not even for a hot second. But I wanted to try to be positive about it. I want her to love her body, and talk positively about herself, even if I am still learning how to do so. Of all the things I want to pass on to my daughter, negative body image is definitely not one of them.

This is life. Love, Mom.

July 19, 2021